NICKELPLATEDBAMA

Somewhere... Deep Down in my Heart...

2011-04-06T13:50:00.000-07:00

I...... still... Love.. YOU!

Holy Guacamole that was the best fake cry in the history of television..

Fuckin White People...

2011-03-23T15:22:00.000-07:00

...They fuckin ruin everything.

Who the, what the, sheeeeeeeeeeeeeit, i'ontknow man. This is just way too creepy. Was that on star search? How did the pedophile ass dad dressed as Jesus get passed security screening?... And yes, if you were wondering she/he (I seriously can't call it) "ain't gonna pee pee his/her bed tonight"... Also, Where is the mother? I count like 9 children and a dad, where is mom dukes to stop this nonsense? My good lord, I love the internet for all the wrong reasons...

Anonymous Haters: SHOTS FIRED!!

2011-03-23T09:59:00.000-07:00

Or somethin' dumb ass corny like that...

Isn't the internet grand? You get to peep game on all the girls you used to scam on in high school, you get to keep in touch with your 3rd cousin named Brutus, your mom is your friend on facebook keepin tabs on what you're up to, but most importantly, you get to be a complete fuckin idiot behind the privacy of your keyboard...

I swear on all things I find holy, (read: thick white women, Chicago Cubs baseball, '94-'01 hip hop; with some exceptions, Lilith Fair jokes in real time and a good ol' fashioned ass whoopin).. Wait, where was I at?

Oh yeah, fuckin... Nothin better than wakin up in the morning and deciding to go take a look at your favorite blogger's favorite blog (read: this one) and deciding that because I haven't posted in 2 months that I somehow fell off and forgot how to make a grown man look stupid in front of his girl... AHNNNNT. Stop that bullshit right chyeah.. I took some time off, but no god damnit, NO, I did not quit, or give up or stop thinking the things i think and doing the things I do, I just decided that my time is more valuable to me than it is to you... (that shit rhymed completely on accident but it was hot...)

..Oh yeah, real hot fire (Dylan, Dylan, Dylan) for those that missed that joke, you suck at life anyways so just continue being barely average while I continue to be barely average. See what I did there? That was some Diplomat double usage type shit that just pushed your wig back 2 sizes.

Back to the things that matter (read: my opinions):

1. Save for maybe Terrence Thornton, Hip Hop past 2003 sucks. Yes I said it, and I'll stand right the fuck by it and guard it with my life... Yes, I listened to your boy Khalifa, not impressed. Yes, I youtubed the fuck right outta the current champ of mixtape rappers J.Cole, brrrapp. But because I feel contractually obligated I will hold it down for hometown hero Fashawn, cause he does his thing, in a new type-a-way and he's a real young cat too. Oh and RESPECT to my man MAKESHIFT, cause he does a lot more than just make raps, he makes songs and composes albums. And while i'm on it, Piff Herrera does the damn thing too.. So there. I guess I can contradict myself if I feel like it, I mean shit, it's my party right? Try to rain on my parade cupcake see if I give half a shit...

2. Saying FAIL is the biggest, for lack of a better word, FAIL, a person can do in life. On my unborn child, if I hear you say FAIL out loud to me, I will make your girlfriend cry. Understood? If any adverbs such as Epic, Ultra, Super, etc. are used,
I will add in a 5 point palm exploding heart technique punch courtesy of Pai Mei.

3. This shit is kinda old, but damnit if I won't speak on it. Nothin' pissed me off more in the last few months than you jerk offs tryna tell me that because the Earth's rotation moved off it's normal pivot (paraphrased, click the link if you somehow missed that bullshit) that I somehow am no longer a Leo... The fuck? Are a person's idiosyncrasies all of a sudden changed because 16,000 years of the lunar cycle have passed? I'm no longer a stubborn fuckin' prick with an ego the size of Texas because the Earth's tilt slipped .25mm? That was just stupid. People are who they are, not because of the planets alignment, but because of how they were raised... now maybe it was the mixture of Leo/Scorpio that made me the miserable piece of shit that I am today, or maybe it was heartbreaks early in life that made me such a cynic, maybe it was my selection of friends in elementary school that made me feel so superior to everyone, maybe... But what I do know as an absolute certainty is this: It wasn't Earth's alignment with the North Star that made me love early 90's bay area rap music, the Wu-Tang Clan, and the feel of a woman's breast (pause), it was the people around me. Now I guess for you hyperactive astrological believer's (side bar: I sure hope i'm not attracting these type of people here) I suppose you could make the argument that it was in fact the Earth's alignment with the stars at the particular time I was born that made me choose the friends I choose, etc. etc. that ultimately led me to this point right here... to that I say... Go fuck yourself. That's just dumb. And more to the point, wouldn't that ultimately lead back to my point that my sign is my sign is my sign is my sign?? Wow, my brain is scrambled eggs right now. I wrote that and am lost, if you somehow navigated thru that than Kudos to you.

4. I am more than likely better than you at more things than I care to list. But the thing that matters most is that I am most likely better than you at life. Jesus that was so unnecessary to say and maybe one of the dumbest things I've ever written. But, this is my blog and I'll critique if I want to.

5. The Ancient Aliens theory is the most interesting stuff available to the world right now, and anyone dumb enough to discredit this theory due strictly to their religious beliefs is dumber than a progressive commercial.

6. Dudes with tongue rings are homosexual, no if's, and's, or but's.

I think that's enough for now.

Oh yeah, R.I.P. Elizabeth Taylor, you were really somethin' in your day.

Love,

Ollie da Don.

2011: One Step Closer to the Grave

2011-01-07T13:13:00.001-08:00

Look, I've been a bit on the lazy side for the last year or so, and haven't really been pouring my ice cold heart carved out of stone into this blog like I did for you all in 2009. I guess I could apologize but really, it was a neccessary break. I mean, I just kind of came to terms with the fact that if I didn't have something original to post, then why bother? Anyone who reads my blog, most likely checks out the other blogs in my blogroll, so with that in mind I came to the conclusion that if I saw a funny video somewhere else, no sense in taking said video and posting it to this site. Gotta keep the content new and flavorful, not stale and borrowed. That being said, put on your blue blockers now, cause I am revamped and have every intention of melting everyone's face off on a daily basis like I once did so well...

Fuckin go time...

So, whats new in the world of Ollie da Don? Same lack of interest in hip hop, same general sense of entitlement, same general lack of respect for authority, and generally the same misoginistic asshole you've all come to love to hate.

Borrrriinnngg...

Onto some new shit... Jersey Shore (which I so carelessly left out of my blog for 2 full seasons, for only god knows what reason) is back for season 3 and back at the Jersey Shore, where it all started. I got on this bus late into the second season, and to date, have yet to watch the first season but what I can tell you is that "the situation" is an ice cold ike turner type of player that goes hard on these hoes like it's his job. I mean straight up, if you aint gettin with the givin up the skins, your ass can bounce type of nonsense. That shit kills me how hard he goes on them hoes. Pauly D, he's a semi funny cat, but its all pretty clear that these dudes are, or rather should be, taking their cues from the sitch, cause my man right there aint playin no games. Oh, you ain't DTF, get to steppin and quit tryna get famous of the sitch's shine. One episode in to season 3 and I'm hooked...

NEEXXXTTTTT...

Over the past year or so I've become a real history channel buff. I swear on Ollie himself, I think I may have found religion thru that channel. No jokes. I cannot get enough of the Ancient Alien theory. These guys, however wacked out of their heads they may be, are making a believer out of me. The shit is real interesting, and I suggest you all take some time out of your busy Thursday nights (who am I kidding, we all know you aint doin shit) and watch this program. It's interesting to say the least...

Apparently there have been some new leads found and are now being explored by detectives regarding the death of both the most over rated rapper in history (Tupac), and quite possibly the greatest rapper of all time (Biggie) respectfully. Not that we didn't all already know that Suge Knight was responsible for both deaths, but now it seems a former LAPD detective is looking into solving these cases independently. I like this idea. I really want to know what really happened... This shit is almost as infamous as the assassination of JFK, or the loss of Jimmy Hoffa.

My boy brought up an interesting topic on fb today regarding the slow decaying and utter pitiful collapse of good hip hop music circa 2002 and prior. The pride people took in crafting solid tunes, the lack of dance steps as lyrics, and the raw emotion cats were puttin out there for the lackluster masses to sink their teeth in to. I miss the days of waiting for an album to drop, having to decide which one I was gonna spend the allowance on this week. I miss cassettes. Shit, I miss cd's. I still have my stacks of wax (thats records to you youngins) and the bottom line here is simple, if I dont own it on wax, I prolly aint checkin for it now. Which ultimately means that I havent purchased any NEW discs, records, itunes, mp3s, etc. in close to 8 years now. Not to say that I havent made purchases, but nothing that dates later than 2004, maybe 2005. Call me a cynic, tell me I'm crazy, but I just miss the days when hip hop made you feel something other than changin the station.

Lil Wayne is a martian. He's nonsensical. His time is done. Stick the proverbial fork in him.

Wiggers. This shit is still really happenin in the midwest. E-thuggin, bandana wearin, pelle pelle jersey havin,lugz "birdman edition" ownin ass white kids from nebraska with their dime store jewelery are still lurkin in my world. The thought alone brings me close to suicide.

Just consider this a freestyle, because there is obviously no legitimate point to where i was going with anything. I just needed to get the rust out of the knuckles and crack away at the ol' keyboard.

Thanks for tunin in, see ya'll way more often in 2011, thats a promise. And by promise I mean, when I think about writing something, I might do it, rather than just let it blend into my natural state of normality.

LSVE rules the world.

-Ollie

New Makeshift Video: Louder

2010-12-01T15:52:00.000-08:00

MAKESHIFT - "Louder" Official Music Video HD from Max Albert on Vimeo.

Well done my dookie. Keep the movement movin!!

Random Thoughts and a New Shitlist

2010-11-23T10:37:00.000-08:00

Fuck, it's been a minute since I've cracked away on the ol' keyboard. What can I say? I've been bored, Hip Hop is of no interest to me, and that's supposed to be the life-blood of this blog. Fuggit, were switchin' it up for a minute...

It's been 12 years in the making, but I finally got the english bulldog I've always wanted. His name: Lord Sebastian Von Eldrich, Duke of Le Cross. Call him what you want, just don't call him late for dinner...

The Shitlist revisited:

1. Stepping in dog shit barefooted in the middle of the night, and having to wash that foot off in cold water cause you don't want to wait for the water to heat up, as you were obviously sleeping, and wish more than anything to get back to sleep.

2. The last 3 Jay-Z albums. I was, at one point, one of the biggest Jay stans around, Smalls took over that title, and he can try all he wants but he will not sway me on this position.

3. New jack bloggers, biting other people's shit.

4. Unemployment, shit was fun for like, 2 weeks, now I need federals to do things, such as feed the Lord...

5. Debt/Bein broke. Some people love the life of being a mooch, I personally can't fuckin stand it and it hurts my soul to ask to borrow money.

6. Selling the Jeep. Personal friends are the only ones who get this. I won't elaborate anymore, just suffice it to say that the jeep is on the chopping block after 10 long years of blood, sweat, and tears.

7. Ex girlfriends and their punk ass boyfriends. You know where to find me, cowards, and if you don't, just ask.

8. People suggesting what I should write about, if I wanted to write about "your" idea, I would have already done so. Please, by all means, start a blog and write your feelings down, I'm sure 3 people would love to read it..

9. Pandora.com not getting the hint when I press the "dont like" button.

10. Holiday music.

11. Walking into a store that is ALREADY playing Jingle Bells, I swear to god if I worked retail I would kill someone after about 3 hours of that christmas music loop.

12. Festive people. Fuckin die. Halloween is the only holiday worth celebrating, otherwise, just give me gifts and STFU.

13. Text wars. More importantly, having day long conversations/arguements of no consequence whatsoever.

14. Annonymous hatred in the comments section. Blow me. Cowards.

15. No health insurance.

16. 90% of the world.

17. Justin Bieber. Limit 1 per customer on his doll. Get the FUCK OUTTA HERE.

18. That annoying little fucker "Fred" from youtube having his own doll at toys R us.

19. Falling on my skateboard on a busy street and crushing my elbow at 27 years old.

20. Being held accountable for any action I choose to make. No, I am now, what i was 3 years ago, and have no plans of changing that.

That oughta hold you over for the day.

Ollie loves you. Bitch.

P.S. I still fuckin hate Joe Rogan more than most other humans... more on that later.

P.S.S. I can't believe I didn't watch the first season of Jersey Shore. God those guys are disturbingly entertaining.

-Ollie da G.O.D.

Im Still Alive

2010-09-21T08:37:00.000-07:00

All apologies folks, goin' thru some transitions, got laid off, no longer have access to a computer daily, and overall i was burnt out. Everyone is postin the same shit all the time. In all seriousness, EVERY one has a blog now, and they all just bite eachother's ideas or formulas.

Just a memo to bloggers worldwide, bring something original to the table, or dont waste the people's time.

Now, in order to drive some traffic to my site... a few key words...

Megan Fox, handjob, BJ, upskirt, Lindsay Lohan, Fart, Funny, and Justin Bieber.

I hate you all, but I do owe you something. I'll be back, but just let a player breathe. Been on this shit for close to 3 years now, I think I've earned myself a litle time off..

Keep it Trill.

-O-Dubya

Agenda Tradeshow August 2010

2010-08-11T16:46:00.000-07:00

Here is a photo recap from my recent excursion to Agenda's fall show.

Fuck Krew:

Free beers! Oh, no only for buyers. Wack. Youre going to deny beers to the writer of the most influential blog on the web? Well, fuck your skinny jeans and long hair cornballs. Krew used to be that ish, now they have fallen off. Not a good look...

The Grenade crew: Kass, Dingo, Vito, and others...

Dante Ross and Felix Arguelles (spelling?)

Dante Ross is my favorite white boy for real, and Felix has been a staple in skateboarding for decades. Unfortunately for Felix, he's now pushin that Famous Stars and Straps stuff a little too hard for my tastes... but hey, to each their own. It surely doesn't take away from his contributions to the world of skateboarding tho.. And what can you say about Dante? This dude used to be the road manager for Eric B. and Rakim. He managed Ol' Dirty Bastard for cryin outloud.. This dude is so fuckin' hip hop.. See video below from theberrics.com series "hip hop history 101"...

Cute little birdie at the Agenda booth, she was cool enough to watch my backpack for me. I see you Monica. She didnt want me to take her picture, so obviously I did...

Drama in the building..

Side note, the Young & Reckless brand is run by nothing but 40+ men with bad haircuts... Here is my best attempt to get some evidence of these old bastards..

Is that a wave cut? Jeezussss homie not a good look.

My feelings on Young & Reckless go like this.. I think Drama is pretty funny on the fantasy factory stuff, I think he had a good idea for his branding, and with Rob Dyrdek's help, this company should be HUGE, unfortunately, the designs are stale and boring, the management are a bunch of old dudes tryin to stay hip and relevant, and overall this brand is just lacking. Add to that the fact that Drama's "manager" is a tool belt, and the shit just doesn't get my stamp of approval. Sorry Drama, but youre still my boy..

Snoop made an appearance:

HAHA... So the story goes like this.. I got incredibly drunk early in the day. Like, I started on the sauce around 10 am, drank solid thru 4:30 or so, and went back to the homie's crib with a genius plan... I'm gonna take a quick nap, and recharge the batteries then hit the club hard.. Unfortunately I woke up more drained than when I went to sleep, and barely had it in me to go to the after party. But I did indeed go, unfortunately I missed the Warren G. performance, but such is life. I'd like to take a second to give a shout out to Panda from partywithpanda.com for takin a shitload of flicks that I missed when I left a bit early that night. If you didnt get what you were lookin for, check out his site, he did a great photo essay, or whatever you want to call it..

On to the Black Bull chop house for the evening's festivities..

This homie was AGGRESSIVE with his pursuit of chicks, it was no joke...

-Oliver Wrist

See You There...

2010-07-30T16:34:00.001-07:00

I'll be there next week, will you?

.Gifs are Great for a Laugh

2010-07-29T14:52:00.000-07:00

8 bit Vanilla Ice:

Thuggin:

And this is just classic:

P.S. This just so happens to be the 500th post on the BAMA. In all honesty, I really thought I would have gotten to this landmark much quicker, but the reality is simple, I got sidetracked alot over the last year and lost focus, but I'm back, and workin hard for you folks again. LOVE.

-the Ollie 500

Damn: No Shame in the Streetwear Game These Days

2010-07-29T14:31:00.000-07:00

Above is the knock off, out right bite of an otherwise great concept piece by TITS brand... Slowly but surely becoming one of my favorite clothing lines. Their work is super clean, and emcompasses one of my 3 favorite things in this world... TITS. (If you're wondering, my 2 other favorite things in this world are ME and ASSES.)

And the original piece by TITS...

Some cats are just shameless when it comes to taking someone's ideas and making them their own. If you want to blatantly jack someone's ideas, at least credit the source... Thats all I'm sayin...

Check out TITS by clickin the red and support a solid line.

-Olls

Big Shit Poppin', Little Shit Stoppin':

2010-07-26T09:14:00.001-07:00

Why in the Fuck is T.I. still getting movie roles? More importantly, How is this dude sharing the same on-screen time as Stringer Bell? With a muhfuckin' british accent? Stringer Bell for president, for real. I swear, I damn near, wait, scratch that, I did tear up when they waxed Stringer on The Wire. I mean, dude was cold, calculated, pure business and grime, with no emotions whatsoever... but ultimately, The boss has got to remain the boss, and Stringer had to go. He will go down as my third favorite character from the Wire, behind Michael. and Marlo Stanfield. Which brings me to my point, didn't mean to run off a recap of why The Wire was so dope (read: IT WAS THE GREATEST CRIME SAGA EVER) but how is it that this skinny lil dude right here:

gets more street credit in a suit than this muhfucka right here:

Wait, you might be wondering where this is all coming from. I promise I have a point. This new movie is coming out. It's called Takers, and here's the trailer:

I'm gonna see it. Call me easily entertained, but give me Paul Walker, Stringer Bell (Idris Elba, but will always be Stringer in my mind) in a british accent, and mr. "whoop that trick" himself C.Breezy and Imma watch it. Sprinkle in some Hayden Christensen (I know, he's awful, but Im nostalgic and I loved Star Wars despite how terrible it was) and a plot about a bank heist with the female lead being Zoe Saldana, you've got a hot ticket...

That is until you cast T.I. as the villain. I mean, really dog? who is Jamie Hector's (Marlo Stanfield) agent? This dude needs more work. I want him on the screen all the time. I have a role saved for him when and if I do ever finish writing my masterpiece (read: he plays Oliver Wrist, as Marlo Stanfield, never breaking character ever, haha)... I mean really tho, was there ever any harder bosses' talk than this:

"My name was in the STREETS?!?!"

ICE-FUCKING-COLD.

Man I miss The Wire, somebody needs to get it together and write this show another 5 seasons. I need to stop here, otherwise I'll go all damn day.

-Ollie da Don

------------------UPDATE---------------------------------------------

Yeah I know Stringer is british, he just does the "not british" role so well that when he goes back to the accent, its like he's discovered a whole new role and an untapped market as the master of british brothas or some wild shit. I'ont'know mayne. Just, you be cool like how you be cool, aight? I aint seent you and you aint seen me? aight.. WATER.

No Racism

2010-07-23T14:19:00.000-07:00

Teach em young?

Dave Macdowell Rules

2010-07-23T14:16:00.000-07:00

This guy's stuff is so good it makes me want to cut off my own hands so as to never attempt to use a paintbrush again. Cotdamn... This dude is doing it.

Holla Back

2010-07-23T10:13:00.001-07:00

Trampskating

2010-07-12T15:23:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Ignored Prayers for postin this last week...

They really took it to the next level with this shit. I remember we used to bounce hard on the old decks at my boy Jeremy's trampoline on the regular, but these guys took it to a whole new arena... The thing is, Im not sure if I believe these dudes can actually skate tho. It might strictly be a trampoline thing... Props either way tho, they got some super techy shit layed out in this jammy..

-Olls

"Listen with Caution.. Harlem is BACKKK"

2010-07-12T13:55:00.000-07:00

Quote courtesy of young Smalls the world class traveler/little big brother.

It's been way too long coming, but the world was ready an waiting, so Cam and Jimmy did what any money hungry entrepreneurial hood rich players would do... They bit the bullet and squashed the beef. (No Homo). I couldn't be happier about this. Dipset is back and more swagged (read: i hate that word) up than ever.

For real, and I aint bullshittin', Smalls can vouch for this, along with anyone else that has been in a vehicle with me in the last 6 months... I am listening to nothing but emo'd out scream pop punk metal garbage. Why? Because hip hop has sucked so bad in the last couple of years, save for a few select artists that are fam, and keep close to your boy's heartstrings (pause)... But, With the return of dipset and the bragadocious over the top ignorance that we've all become accustomed to, coupled with outlandish samples and percussion courtesy of Arab Muzik, I can officially say I am excited to listen to hip hop music again..

P.S. The Clipse are still the end all be all of cocaine raps, but Dipset will forever keep a spot close to my chest muscle..

-Ollie the Ruler

P.S.S. Am I super late to this? and did Max B. actually get life over that murder wrap? man, hip hop has been so stale i havent even cared to stay in the loop as of late.

Real Nigga to Real Nigga

2010-06-22T09:49:00.001-07:00

"Don't be affraid to grab a titty, slap a ass cheek, whateva.. just do what you feel"

Whew, this might be the best video I've come across in a minute. Big ups to IP for posting it a couple weeks back...

Yeah, it's close to 7 minutes long, but worth every second. If you dont feel like watching 7 minutes of this hood ass cat speakin on these hoes, just jump to about the 3:30 mark and listen until about 4:30, if that doesn't inspire you to watch the whole video, check your pulse nukkuh, cause you dead..

Step yo pimp game up!!

-Ollie da Don

This Baby Gets It

2010-06-21T13:43:00.000-07:00

Big ups to my mellow my man Brock Hardon from Us Versus Them for finding this gem. I couldn't stop myself from posting it. I try really hard to come with original, fresh material, but when someone gets the scoop on you, you just gotta swallow your pride, give em the credit, and acknowledge the fact that you had no option but to bite. On a quick, semi-related note, I feel like that entire last sentence deserved a "no homo" after each comma... HAAAA.

Good work homie, maybe now I can get back into the blogroll? ha.

-Olls

Stop the Presses: The Lakers Won

2010-06-18T08:41:00.001-07:00

And I really couldn't give a fuck less. Let the bandwagon riding commence. It's the same shit show every year, I know there are plenty of true, legit laker's fans out there but if I have to see one more FB update about how great "your" Lakers are, I'm gonna shit blood. This front running business has got to stop. This is the exact same thing that happened last year with the Yankees. Now the hooplah and suspense and drama begins, is Phil (Jackson) coming back? Can the Lakers 3peat? Is Kobe as good as Jordan? the answers... Probably, NO, and NO. I'm puttin' my stamp on it right now, June 18, 2010, the day after the Lakers won the NBA championship and saying very clearly that they will not win the title again next year. With, or without Phil Jackson returning as head coach.

Ron Artest is the coolest fuckin guy ever. Straight up thanked his psychiatrist for helping him calm down. You know a muhfucka's wild when his therapist is on the checklist of "who I need to thank". Keep it hood Ron, and get back to focusing on sets you apart from everyone else, your rap career. HAAAAAAA. This guy is legitimately insane and I love it. Matter of fact, let's run that shit:

Get em RoRo.

Is it just me or does Pau Gasol have the worst beard in the game right now?

Turrible.

The Lake show can bring back the entire team they had this year, and it won't matter, they aren't 3peating. It just isn't gonna happen. Lebron is too hungry. It's his turn to man the fuck up and get his jewelry going before he becomes a Karl Malone shadow. Just sayin...

And while were discussing sports, I'd like to just say a couple words to my cubbies:

"GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER". 6 games under .500? C'mon now boys, get it together. I don't want to burn another hat on the altar of sacrifice but if it gets much worse, I will be having a bond fire, believe that.

I'm out.

Fuck the Lakers. And the Celtics too. Rajon Rondo looks like Bow Wow's stunt double, but softer. These fools are all bitch made.

-H-ollie-r than thou.

Just For The Record:

2010-06-10T13:58:00.001-07:00

Yes, Ollie da Don is still here.

I still hate just about everything. I still think im better than just about everyone. I still have no shame. I still love me a thick chick. I still prefer my beef medium rare. I still got no love for them hoes. I still see everything in terms of black and white. I still have an overwhelming sense of self worth. I still take pictures. I still got restless leg syndrome. Your girl still wants me. and I still got love for the streets. It's the Oll-I-E. (Think still D.R.E.)

The fact of the matter is simple, I haven't been posting new stuff on the blog lately, after the untimely passing of my dear cousin Derrick Alan Shaw, so I didn't have it in me to post anything on top of the Eulogy that I wrote for him. I gave it well over a month as the top priority on this blog, but, for the sake of the peoples, and for my personal well being, it is now time to get back on my bloggin' shit. I know the people miss me.

Orders of business (Tasks to be completed within the next 2 weeks):

Take over the world.

Prove why Makeshift, along with Piff C. Herrera are better than your favorite local emcees.

Bring back the spark that had the internet a buzz when this blog was at it's peak, and continue on with the next installments of the female guide to dating.

Get the hate out of my heart and let go of the hostility towards certain individuals.

Finish some paintings and post them here for sale.

Get back to being that characture of myself that we so fondly know and love as Oliver Wrist, the internet's most lovable Asshole.

I will be back Monday, all new fresh material so be ready to have your faces melted off when you read what's in the works.

August is gonna be a big month for your boy Ollie as I plan to hit Vegas, and AGENDA trade show in a matter of 2 weeks, not to mention my birthday falls in there as well.

I'm half ass back... but it ain't a wrap, so don't count me out just yet.

Thanks to the few that stuck around and shot emails and were encouraging me to get back on my grizzly. Its back on and poppin now.

Big shout to my man T from New Era (read: baseball caps), and the launch of his new line Tripp Apparel. He's making some moves, and shakin up the scene a bit, wishin him tons of luck and I'll be back Monday with a full write-up along with photos and commentary on Tripp Apparel.

If you have something you would like my opinion about, please feel free to drop me a line on my gmail at nickelplatedbama@gmail.com.

In the mean time, keep it movin folks.

-Olls

Rest In Paradise: Derrick Alan Shaw 4-13-1973 - 4-18-2010

2010-04-20T09:58:00.001-07:00

This is a hard post for me to write, and it's not something I am, or ever will be for that matter, prepared for. Over the weekend, my family suffered a tremendous loss, when Derrick Alan Shaw(my cousin/very close personal friend/brother to me/my personal idol), better known as "D" or "DShaw/DShow" to his friends and family, slipped into a coma after a bloodclot made its way into his brain which ultimately rendered him lifeless, with doctors eventually pronouncing him "dead" on April 18, 2010. I say "dead" in quotes, because I simply don't feel like he has actually really left us. This came as such a shock (obviously) to all who knew him for the simple fact that "D" was such a healthy young man, full of energy and life and always willing to go the extra mile, and do whatever it took to make sure the people, and world around him felt that much better about themselves and the things they were doing at any given moment. This loss is a pure tragedy, and I don't think I will ever be the same again without him.

Now typically, this is the part of the "eulogy" where I would cite off the numerous activites that Derrick liked to partake in, and how so many times he would convince me to stop being a lazy poor sport and join in the festivities, and how he could turn a typical tuesday afternoon into a raging wild saturday night strictly by using his neverending charisma, his raw energy and pure zest for life. That was the thing about Derrick, he was always so willing to make everyone else have a good time, that it sadden's me deeply, all the way to the bone, that I am saying this about him, because the Derrick I knew, wouldn't want us sitting around grieving his death, rather celebrating the time we got to spend with him. It seems cliche to say, and it seems to me that far too many people throw this term around a little too loosely, but Derrick truly was a one of a kind soul, and a first class, stand up MAN from start to finish.

When I think of Derrick, so many classic memories come to mind. From the things he taught me, to the way he absolutely loved his life. The way he inspired people to do things. The pure entrepreneur, the father, the son, the brother, the cousin, the nephew, the uncle, the friend, the lover, and all around provider of good times.

For me, I suppose it's best to start from the beginning tho...

I was about 5, maybe 6 years old when I got my first skateboard. Why did I get a skateboard? Cause Derrick had a skateboard and by that time he had already mastered the art, and all I can remember ever wanting to be as a young man was to be like Derrick. He spent hours with me, teaching me the fundamentals that would ultimately define my entire outlook on life, and lead me to adopt the skateboarder mentality. Derrick was the definition of cool. He was purely good vibes, and kept all of us younger generation of brothers/cousins/friends schooled on what was in style, and would never let us be caught wearing the wrong thing, or doing anything that was unfitting of a shaw related person.

As we got older, snowboarding became the next thing that Derrick would master, and of course, being the rad dude that he was, he took it upon himself (after months of begging of course) to take us all up to learn the ropes. This time tho, he didn't hold our hands and walk us thru it, he put us on the lift, and showed us the way down and said "see ya down there". Awesome. It was that day, that I realized how incredible Derrick was. Not because he left me to fall off a cliff, but because how good he was at everything he did, and how he was so full of passion for everything he did. I remember telling all my friends about how rad Derrick was because he was on the "Sierra Summit" sign, and that I just knew he was going to be pro. And last I saw, they still have Derrick's billboard hanging in the lodge at Sierra Summit.

Derrick gave me my first job at the ripe old age of 15. I got to start his first business from the ground up with him and he really gave me a chance when he didn't have to. That's just the kind of guy he was. He had enough faith in me and Kris to let us run the shop for him one day, and to my recollection we didn't burn the place to the ground so I guess we could consider that day a success. I worked for Derrick for the entire duration of my high school career, and was the envy of everyone I knew, cause I got to work at the best skate shop around, AND I got a discount.

Most recently, Derrick and I had been spending most of our time hanging out together throwing bags, and playing golf. The skating and snowboarding was starting to take effect on our old bodies, so we took to the less strenuous activities. So I guess, in a way, you could very easily make a case to say that Derrick not only influenced just about everything I ever did in my life, but he taught me to do the things that I did in my life as well.

Derrick to me was much more than a cousin. He was like the big brother to us all. He took everyone in and always had enough room for one more when someone else wanted to come along. He was the definition of what it is to be a man, and I am forever grateful that I had the chance to even know the man, let alone spend the amount of time I got to spend, with him. Derrick's memory will be cherished for the rest of my life, as I'm sure he will live on in the hearts of everyone else who ever had the chance to spend the slightest amount of time with him. You truly were a one of a kind dude D, and my heart just isnt ever going to be the same without you here. I love you brother, truly and deeply.

Just a Quick Heads Up:

2010-04-15T13:47:00.000-07:00

This blog is still the greatest blog on the planet.

Oliver Wrist is still your favorite asshole.

My game is still tighter than yours.

My life is still better than yours.

Your mother still loves me more than you, and so does your girl.

I still have overly opinionated witty banter to spew at you insignificant fucks, I just haven't had the time or patience, OR desire for that matter, to do so.

I will be back with a vengeance starting next Monday, April 19, 2010. Mark that shit on your calendars.

Oh yeah, if you did me wrong in any way in the last, i dunno, sayyyyyyy 6-8 months, watch the fuck out, cause you will be getting blasted by name until such time as I feel that you have repayed your debt to society (or in this case, ME).

Oliver loves you, except for you, you, you, and you. YOU know who you are, you simple minded fucks.

All the love,

-Olls the menace

Benny Lava is a Beast!

2010-04-08T13:37:00.000-07:00

This video rules. I've watched it 3 times now, homie that did the subtitles was pretty spot on, haha. This shit is great.

You're welcome.

-Ollie boy

I'm Back...

2010-04-01T08:50:00.000-07:00

But I really don't feel like writing, and I haven't taken any photos for a while so I don't have anything of any importance to say today.

LOST is killin me right now.

-Olls

Holy Lord: PtheG - Cheeseburger

2010-03-24T10:54:00.001-07:00

Man, Fresno...

Get in the k"no"w already. HAHAHA.

-Olls back with a vengeance.

NPB presents: Fuzzy Fridays: A Trip Thru Europe by Fuzzy Badfeet

2010-03-05T14:26:00.000-08:00

For those that don’t know:

These are the photos and stories of my recent trip overseas after Ollie and I parted ways in New York. Chances are quite good that I have misrepresented some of this information either from my own ignorance, a drunken stupor, or a combination of both. Either way, enjoy the adventures of Young Fuzz. What a long, strange trip it was…

…After consuming a Xanax bar in Brooklyn, I fetched a car service to JFK International. I don’t know what it is about security checkpoints, but these assholes are incessantly looking through my bags. Even with the anti-anxiety meds flowing through my system, I could feel the rage welling up in the pit of my stomach. “What the fuck? Is that how you treat your stuff?”

These assholes have no respect for your personal belongings, and ultimately unpacked everything in my suitcase. And if you know Young Fuzz, then you know I’m crazy OCD and spent hours making sure my bag was packed perfectly. Boxed my sneakers, arranged my caps, had crisp folds on my button-ups, the whole nine. Nonetheless, I have to yell at dude about messing up my shit, and in the process, end up getting so irate that I leave that very bag at the checkpoint. Mind you, I don’t do drugs, just weed, so these meds had me spinning loops in that airport.

Trying to calm down but realizing my stupid ass left my bag, I kind of went into to panic mode (you know, the “oh shit!” feeling). But, just as I start to head back to the checkpoint, here comes Ol’ Boy I was just yelling at with my bag. I guess I got my point across to this poor guy because he comes up on some “Sorry for the inconvenience back there, but it’s a part of protocol. Here’s the luggage you left behind,” type-shit. Glossy eyed, dazed, but extremely thankful, I give dude a $20 bill and a Nickel Plated sticker and head towards my gate (Side note: it was these stickers that created the problem at security in the first place. Anthrax tests and all kinds of weird stuff. Big Ollie remembers ha-ha)

Now, its about a 6 or 7 hour flight to Belgium, the one stop I had before Amsterdam, but I don’t even remember taking my seat on the plane, much less the flight itself. However, I woke up to a flight attendant shaking my arm exclaiming “You’re in Brussels.” Perfect, thanks Xanax. Even better, my favorite beer Stella Artois is brewed in Belgium so there was a Stella Café in the airport.

Thus, I got annihilated immediately!! I mean, 5 hours of Stella pints on draft? Whew, they call it “Wife Beater Beer” in Ireland for a reason. I smashed like 8 pints and was feeling wide open when it came time to board my plane to Amsterdam. Luckily, I was able to behave myself and start the trek to Holland.

Above the clouds of Amsterdam

After dealing with more checkpoints to board my flight to Amsterdam, I finally arrive at Schirpol Airport, but still have to catch a train to Amsterdam Central to find my hostel. The building that houses the train station is massive and is one of the most beautiful buildings I have ever seen.

And even though all I need to find is an Exit, I get lost and end up asking some Italian dude directions to the Flying Pig Hostel. I don’t think this Italian dude was feeling me too much because he glanced at his watch, muttered something in Italian, and then pointed to the sign directly above me. Low-and-behold, I was standing directly in front of the exit all along. Brilliant, I know. Even better, some English dude overheard my “conversation” with the Italian and told me my hostel was only a five minute walk up the street. Stoked that I didn’t need to find another train, bus, or plane, I thanked the Englishman for eavesdropping and started trekking down the street towards my bed.

Now, walking down the streets of Amsterdam is pretty strange because you can smell herb everywhere. So, after I find the hostel, I immediately take a walk down an alley to find one of the notorious ‘coffee shops’ and was in luck. Fire tree everywhere, so I picked up some kill and headed back to the hostel to meet up with the other travelers. Flying Pig has this really chill smoking room, so I decided to take some bong hits with the other travelers and drink my face off. Drank like 30 Jupiter’s, a fairly popular beer in Amsterdam, and ended up meeting a bunch of travelers from all parts of the world. Spain, Australia, England, Brazil, Ireland, etc.

These Spanish dudes were funny as hell. Homie lighting that shit is Harry from London, dude was cool as fuck, so I gave him a NPB sticker. Spanish dudes I roomed with are in the background. Side note: This mask was brutal, put many a user right to sleep (peep next photo for evidence).

Exhibit 1: My man got annihilated, especially after he smashed a Xanax that I let him hold. Shit was classic, I don’t think he even make it to his room after hitting the mask.

For the first night, I was having too much fun at the hostel to really want to go anywhere else. So, I just drank my face off w a few of my fellow travelers. However, I learned a very valuable lesson the first night in Europe. When it comes to services being available at all hours of the night, don’t count on it. For most of us, it is very common to find a late night meal after a long night of drinking. This is definitely not the case in Europe, especially Amsterdam. Not knowing this was the case, I stumbled around the city in vain for over two hours searching for something to eat. Not happening—not even a supermarket, vending machine, nothing. Drunk, enraged, and starving, I stumbled back to the hostel and passed out in my room for a couple of hours. Long day one…

After my first drunken night, I decided to do some sight seeing the next day. Amsterdam is really dope because they have canals that run everywhere through the town. Hopefully, some of these flicks will give you an idea.

Really fresh tower in the background, in a residential area of Amsterdam. Canals separate a lot of the streets.

Most of the streets were designed like this; old buildings line the sides with a canal separating sidewalks and roads from one another.

Bicycle riders fucking everywhere. Amsterdam is pretty small so this is definitely the way to get around. Just be careful, bicycle theft is a huge problem out here. Funny story, I “borrowed” a bike the second day. It was just sitting against this alley wall w no chain, so I swooped it up and smashed around town for a couple of hours. I later told an Amsterdam local that I lifted a cycle to tour the city and returned it to the same spot a few hours later and he complimented me on being polite enough to return it. Ha, the fucking Dutch!

Canal tours offer some great info on the city and take you to some dope spots. Too bad I was getting wasted and just walked around or stole a bike.

Street View.

Heineken factory in the distance where that shit was first made. Heineken on draft was tasty.

This building was massive. Believe it or not, I’m a block away and still can’t fit it all in the frame.

Another view of the canal from the bridge. I was fascinated with these things running through the city.

On the second night, some girl from Rio talked me into going on a pub crawl with her. It was pretty dope, free beers until about 9:00 (referred to 2100 over there). But, after the clock struck nine, all they were delivering was Jagermeister. I hate that shit with a passion but figured it was a necessary evil. About 6 Jaeger bombs later I pulled out my dancing shoes and was two-stepping like a mother fucker in these joints. These people couldn’t get enough of some white kid from California that could cut a rug. Met some strange ass people on the pub crawl but had a blast!! I see ya’ll, hold those NPB stickers high! Unfortunately, the battery on my camera decided to die on me right as we started the crawl, so no flicks from that night. My bad..

Now the Brazilian broad was this bad ass bird from Rio. I think she was feeling Young Fuzz but she was fronting like her man wasn’t with her. Umm, not buying that sweetheart. That little South American has been eyeing me all night and I know it’s not because he’s feeling my swag. “Who the fuck is that dude staring at me every time you talk to me if that’s not your man?” She tried to keep that shit up for a while then ended up telling me some story about how they were just friends. Uh-huhhh!! I’m from a planet called Bitch Please and we don’t play that shit. Was going to make you famous and post your picture honey, but that move got you exnayed, ya dig? I’m still coming down for Carnival though, believe that. Got drunk as shit, peeped some hookers on the walk home, then hit the gas mask and called it a night…

Now, I only booked my hostel at the Flying Pig for two nights. Obviously, that was not a good idea because all the hostels in Amsterdam fill up really quickly on the weekends. As such, the Staff woke me up at 10:00 to “check-out” but I wasn’t having it. After I slept until 12:00, I stumbled downstairs to try and book another night. Nope, all booked up. Fuck!!!! So, on day three I had to drag my ass down the street to find a different hostel as hung-over as I could possible be. Got turned away from two hostels but finally found one with a vacancy called Hotel Tamara. This place was tiny, I mean really fucking small. Even worse though, they didn’t have any elevators and I was staying on the 5th floor. That walk up was brutal sober but got worse when I was drunk or had luggage with me.

30 Euros for this little ass room, not even exaggerating. No TV, shared bathroom, and the worst mattress I have ever attempted to sleep on in my entire life. I’m not very big but shit… I was still too tall and my feet were hanging off the end.

Pictures don’t do these stairs justice, would get to my room wheezing like an 80 year old Marlboro Red smoker. Was even more difficult when I’d come back all fucked up and had to stumble up those flights of stairs.

Staying on the “When in Rome” motto, decided to tour the red light district on day three and peep the hookers. Shit was wild because on one side of the alley would be sexy ass Asians, blondes, black women, etc. But, on the other side you’d see 60 year old prostitutes with saggy old titties and no teeth. Straight ancient hookers, could be my grandma. What kind of shit is that? Shit was bugging me out but you’re not allowed to take flicks of the whores so I caught some other strange shit instead.

No joke, animal and bizarre films were fucking everywhere. Nothing is taboo is Amsterdam.

This dude wasn’t just smoking outside this place, he was a patron. “You dirty old man!” Ya’ll see the size of that glittery strap-on home girl is rocking?

How about now? Whew, that bitch is packing son.

To my man Zone, I think I met Bridgette from Ho Kung Fu. She worked here and kept asking me if I wanted to pay her to “rub one out” for me. No thanks honey, I’m a professional at that, you’re amateur at best. Should’ve gotten a massage though I bet she had that shit locked up.

Grew tired of hearing if I wanted to pay for a hooker so I decided to spend my money on some tree instead. Ended up chilling at this coffee shop for like 6 hours. That lemon haze had me stuck, ya dig? It was crazy though because I was the only person that ever smoked downstairs. Amsterdam recently passed an inside smoking ban which really complicates the normal method of smoking: spliffs (ie: tobacco and herb rolled together). As a result, they opened these “upstairs” rooms where patrons could smoke tobacco and side-step the new law. As a true American, though, I keep that shit separate and I was able to chill downstairs, smoke herb, and people watch. This coffee shop had the kill and I had to drink 3 Café Latte’s just to muster up enough energy to walk out this bitch. Shout to Paul for suggesting the haze, phenomenal strain.

Fucked up thing about this day was that it was Super Bowl Sunday. But, it’s a 9 hour time difference from the States to the Netherlands. And as I said before, everything closes early in Europe especially Amsterdam. Americans stay on their grind, and sacrifice sleep for the opportunity to turn profit. Not the Dutch. The Super Bowl didn’t even start until 12:30 that night. Out-fucking-rageous!!!! Even the bars close pretty early. It wasn’t until my last day in Amsterdam that some local pointed out a few pubs that did stay open all night, but they were straight underground joints that weren’t on any maps I had. Thus, I had to familiarize myself with some European sports, a la rugby and futbol. Matter of fact, watched the France-Scotland rugby match at some Irish pub and enjoyed the hell out of it. These dudes were fucking beasts. Respect due to these boys, they hold nothing back and sacrifice their bodies like nothing I’ve ever seen. Gotta catch a match in the near future, maybe when I touch down in the UK this summer (no pun intended; get it touchdown?).

After watching the match, went on a graffiti hunt and found some pretty dope stuff. Europe is crazy because they commission these graffiti artists to bomb the walls of the city. Unlike the states where throw-ups and tags dominate most of the walls, these people do tons of wheat pastes and true pieces. Caught a couple of them and even through up some NPB stickers to get Europe ready for the Nickel Plated takeover.

Yup, they had “Drug Free Zones” in Amsterdam too. Matter of fact, you can only smoke herb and drink beers inside of the pubs or coffee shops. Pretty weird for a city where “anything goes.”

Side busted a few pieces, fuck it though.

This shit was bugging me out because they were all over Amsterdam. Asked some local what it was about and he said that the artist liked using photographs and adding weird shit to it. Eyelashes were on some Clockwork Orange shit, mad feminine.

These sticker collages were all over the place so I decided I needed to contribute. Nickel Plated Everything…

This building was fresh, the whole Outside was a giant piece done by some local artist. I’m definitely not a professional photographer so this flick does not do it justice. Hope you can get a sense though. It was a 5-story building and dude bombed the whole front side of it. It was dope to say the least.

Was feeling the skull, especially with the white and red contrast to the NPB stickers. Most of these pieces were in the alleys of Amsterdam so you couldn’t back up far enough to get decent photos. Tried my best.

After the graffiti hunt, I found a nice little pub across the street from my hostel. It was really chill, decently priced beers, good atmosphere, American sports (basketball) was on, and I could smoke herb inside. So, I ultimately spent the rest of the night at the bar. Met some cool ass dudes from Turkey and proceeded to get wasted with them until about 1:00 or so, then slipped up the stairs and tried to sleep. Nope. I don’t know what it was about Europe but I didn’t sleep at all. Even having access to as much herb as I wanted in Amsterdam, shit was just not happening. Fuck it, sleep when I die, I guess..

The first 4 days of Amsterdam were pretty much a blur because I was just getting annihilated at all times. Routine typically consisted of coffee, pastry, herb, beer, a lot of walking, then a pub for the rest of the night. So, I decided to take it easy on my last day and go check out the Anne Frank house. For the uninformed, The Frank’s were a Jewish family from Germany that fled to Amsterdam in hopes of escaping persecution from the Nazi regime. Despite the efforts of the Frank family, the Germans eventually invaded the Netherlands and the same series of atrocities continued with Jews in the Netherlands. As such, the Frank family (in addition to the Van Pels family) were forced to go into secret hiding to escape this violent persecution. For the next two years these families successfully avoided capture from the Nazi regime and the youngest Frank daughter (Anne) kept a journal the entire time.

It’s really hard to describe the eerie feeling you get as you climb the steep and narrow stairs of the Frank hideout. The only choice these people had was to hide or else they would be arrested and slaughtered by the German police. To my surprise, however, the secret annex was much bigger than I had anticipated. You aren’t allowed to take photos of the annex but I tried to catch a view of the front side.

Hard to get a good photo because of the museum store built directly next to the museum entrance, obviously the place has changed. But, still very strange to think that they were able to hide “in plain sight” for that length of time.

The really chilling aspect of the Frank tour is definitely the infamous Anne Frank Diary. I mean, this girl was about 13 years old and had such a grim outlook on her surroundings. Obviously, hiding to avoid systematic slaughter hardly seems like a choice, but it was insane to view her feelings on the matter firsthand. For instance, one quote in particular stuck out in my mind. I was going to paraphrase, but it was such a powerful emotion that I was obligated to find the exact quote.

“I saw two Jews through the curtains today, it was a horrible feeling. Just as if I had betrayed them and was now watching them in their misery.”

How fucked up is that? This thirteen year old girl is helpless in the situation and something as simple as seeing two of her own people was the equivalent of betraying them. Wow!! Very articulate way to convey some of our most basic emotions, pity and shame. It shocks me that someone so young could identify the ambiguity of her simple observation. On one hand, feeling simple pity for people in a situation similar to her own tragedy is normal. On the other hand, feeling helpless in knowing that there is nothing she can do but feel pity for these people is frightening. This observation really hit me as I started the descent back down the annex stairs and stayed with me the rest of the day.

After two years of living in utter secrecy in the secret annex in Amsterdam, an anonymous caller phoned the police to inform the Germans that “Jews were hiding at 263 Prinsengracht.” In less than 24 hours, the entire Frank and Van Pels families were sent to concentration camps to meet their ultimate demise. Sadly, only Otto Frank, Anne’s father, survived the torturous conditions of these brutal prisons. The rest, as they say, is history. Yet, Anne Frank’s words are still used today as a symbol of human rights worldwide, echoing the same sentiment today as 70 years ago.

Now, to really bring this story full circle, I’m going to conclude this edition of Fuzzy Fridays with a crazy twist in this plot. After visiting the Anne Frank house, and experiencing the desperation of this family to escape persecution, I immediately had to catch a train to Hamburg, Germany to hit the next spot on my trip. Thus, after smoking one final joint and packing all my things I slid off to the train station.

Trains in Amsterdam weren’t as nice as some other trains I was riding, but they certainly were fast.

The train ride to Hamburg wasn’t very long, maybe 4 or 5 hours at most. But, the eerie thing about the trip is that less than 3 hours after visiting the Frank hiding place, I was riding past the same areas where these families were slaughtered in Nazi concentration camps. How is that for a history lesson? The irony of visiting these places almost simultaneously still gives me the chills. The funny thing is, I had no intention of getting that type of history lesson but that’s what happens when you travel on a whim. Priceless. Let’s hope that we learn more about our history to possibly avoid some of its downfalls . Or else, were doomed to make the same mistakes over and really personify the true ‘ignorance’ of man. I’d prefer not…

Well kids, that concludes volume one of Fuzzy Fridays. Hope you enjoyed reading about my travels as much as I enjoyed trying to remember them. Amsterdam is quite a place to visit and I would recommend it to anyone. I look forward to rehashing the events of my German excursion next Friday so stay tuned for that. Shout to Big Ollie for giving me a platform to share my story, he’s an incredible dude. Love…

P.S. Feel free to contribute to the discussion through the comments section. This small write-up barely scratches the surface on this amazing experience, and I would be honored to answer any questions, comments, or feedback you may have.

Ciao,

Fuzzy Badfeet

Trailer Park Boys

2010-02-18T10:17:00.000-08:00

Sorry for the lack of posts lately, this show has taken over my life. Thought I'd post some clips to get ya'll hooked like crack fiends to the pipe.

Those are just a few of the characters from this wild ass canadian comedy show i cant stop watching...

My Head is Like a Nickel Plated Bama

2010-02-12T10:56:00.001-08:00

I've had lots of questions about where I came up with the name Nickel Plated Bama for this blog... Peep the 1:38-1:42 mark on this song...

And there you have it folks.

-Olls

Im Baaaaack: Photo Update From Agenda Jan. 8-9 2010

2010-02-04T09:28:00.000-08:00

Back in January, me and Smalls (Fuzzy Badfeet) took a trip down to huntington to go see the Agenda Tradeshow. For those that don't know what Agenda is, it is a meeting of all relevant clothing lines in the street, skate, surf, and snow industries showcasing their upcoming releases for the new year. You can't buy anything there, but the reasons to go are endless. Networking, partying, and photo-ops top my list. Anyways, back to the point, me and Smalls drove down to Huntington to meet up with my man T on the Thursday night before the show. Friday morning we got up and hit the show early. First drinks started around 10:30 and it continued from there. For the record, I didnt take too many photos at the show, saved all that for the show's afterparty. Onto the flicks...

Agenda day 1:

That guy was at least 7 feet tall and had the biggest feet I have personally ever seen.

The racoon tail is still a big deal to some people..

JSLV holdin it down.

The one and only Revok doin his thing.. (to see the finished product of this painting check out Revok's blog at Revok1.com)

Good photo of T (no homo).

Lurker flick of Eric Koston (one of the all time greatest skateboarders ever)

yuppie hipster with a tye-dye shirt. Smalls' face says it all.

We drink our lunch.

Monster? had the market locked, couldnt get a vodka red bull for shit. Whatever tho, the whores were dressed appropriately for ruining my drinking day.

A little flashburn on his face, but Butteryass Donovan from Butteryass Mondays was in full effect. Homie is hella quiet and deaf in his left ear!

I was late with the camera, but Smalls pointed out that homie had to have the biggest calves we'd ever seen.

Zoey led me on a tour thru New Era (thats a whole different post).

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Night time. JSLV party:

Thought this dude was a total lame, actually super cool cat. no homo.

groupies.

"what am i supposed to do with my hands?" "pull your tits out of course."

Brothers.

Cougars love the camera.

That guy = photobomber of the century.

JSLV represent!

Right about this time the flash on the nikon started to die, so one of the bussers from the bar took it upon himself to run across the street and buy me new batteries. I kicked him down a BAMA shirt, everyone was happy.

BAMA team, minus T on the camera.

This girl was down but she had the hater ass little fat friend who refused to have her picture taken, but you know me, I got the photo...

Bitch. Maybe next time you'll act right and won't have to get called out and made fun of all night.

The busboy from earlier that went and got me batteries. Good lookin homeboy!

Sk8mafia/JSLV homies holdin it down.

Old Vice City native Ryan, works for Diamond Supply Co. now. Holler at me peeimp!

This brotha right here was runnin mad game, i just cant remember what the game was, or why.

Saw this lil biddy 2 nights in a row, she was cute, but i can't remember her name. If you read this, holler at me nickelplatedbama@gmail.com

If you got love, put it up!

So there's a few from the first night of the Agenda weekend. Tons more, but I don't really feel like weeding thru them.

Interesting story from the night: we werent in the bar more than 40 minutes before me and smalls got the boot for medicating. But like the boss hoggs we are, we just stayed and the bartender that tried to give us the heave, ended up asking for a shirt and wanted her picture taken. I took the photo, but it wont get posted. Bitch, recognize game.

Part 2 tomorrow if i feel like it. Then, when I find my USB cord, photos from NYC/East Coast trip will be up.

January was a hectic month, but a good start to what is sure to be a great year. Peace to all those who got love for Ollie and squad, and a big middle finger to those that don't.

2010 is the takeover. Big ups to Smalls holdin down the BAMA across the pond in Europe. Do it big little brother.

Love.

-Ollie the photog

Quick Update...

2010-01-25T10:48:00.000-08:00

Been on a serious mission for the last 2+ weeks, and the end is still at least a week away. But I just wanted to let all 8 of the readers of this blog that i am indeed alive and well. Here's a joint to hold ya over...

This Just In: NPB Tees for the Streets!

2010-01-07T14:05:00.000-08:00

New Year's Eve Report

2010-01-04T08:18:00.001-08:00

So I had originally planned on heading my way on up to San Francisco for the night's festivities, but plans fell thru do to some unforeseen circumstances. Instead, just chose to get extremely drunk in a medium sized gathering of friends and family.

Anybody who was been reading this blog for the last year, or who saw last year's new years post, knows that I typically just take a shit load of pictures, post em, and crack jokes on folks. Unfortunately, that will not be the case this year as I do believe I was the only joke at the party. What can I say, I was playing beer pong, drinking moonshine, and gave my camera to my 14 year old cousin to snap photos which mostly ended up just being photos of his mother. haha.

Rang in the new year right, but didn't get any of that sweet lovin I was prowlin' for, but that's better anyways. I'm off to NYC to find my girl Lindsey (Lohan) in 2 weeks anyways, plenty of time for photos and jokes then.

There are a few funny photos from the night, but I didn't bring the camera with me today, so uploads won't be until tomorrow.

Highlights:

- "Youre a Monster". Some little kid told me that when i knocked his little brother down. ACCIDENTLY.

- Challenging 15 year olds to do impossible tricks on their skateboards for small sums of money.

- Kissed Nasty Nate on the lips (might be a lowlight actually). Love my cousin. Only male I've ever kissed in my life... what can I say.. The boy is damn near as charming as I am.

- Decided to make the 6+ mile walk home to my house in the fog at around 4 a.m. after a shitload of moonshine. Made it about 3/4 of a block before falling in a bush. Luckily the fam came cruisin on the prowl for me and saved me from my bush.

- Steve Kerr'd those muhfuckas in beer pong. El Draino son..

- My wild ass cousin hittin on me, then getting her mouth taped shut, and taped to a chair. (Whoever taped her to the chair, you fuckin rule). **EDIT** Credit to my 16 year old nephew for that idea. You definitely rule.

And I'd say that about covers it.

Back to Lindsey Lohan if I may, I caught this picture on one of the celebrity gossip blogs, and despite the wild ass bruise (looks suspiciously like a thumbprint from a firm ass slap), who knew Lindsey was draggin a wagon? I thought she was all tits...

Say what you want, but the girl continues to defy standards. She can't be more than 95 pounds with ankle weights on, but 26% of that total weight is pure tits and ass. Lindsey, I love you, if you're in NYC, holler at a young boss.

-Olls

New Year's Eve

2009-12-31T11:17:00.000-08:00

Short and sweet...

I'm gonna ruin some unlucky lady's night tonight. See ya'll on monday with photos from tonight's festivities.

I still hate everyone... if i was picking a new year's resolution, it would be to stop making resolutions and just be accountable for my actions.

-Oliver Wrist

Aint No Love in the Heart of the City

2009-12-28T09:10:00.000-08:00

This is a painting I have been slowly working on over the last 2 weeks or so as a gift for my brother for Christmas...

As it sits now... approximately 68% done...

Some detail shots...

Thoughts?

-Ollie

Merry Christmas

2009-12-24T07:56:00.000-08:00

This will also serve as the throwback thursday post as well.

I fucking hate the holidays and everyone's joy. This is a time of stress and unwarranted gifts to people I dont talk to all year long, but still, I'm somehow required to give them something for the pleasure of knowing me. As if that wasn't enough.

Bah Humbug.

-Oliver Scrooge

Female Guide to Dating: Chapter 4

2009-12-21T11:11:00.000-08:00

I'm just gonna go ahead and say it, Yes, I know chapter 3 was soft, but for good reason. I was setting up for the dagger to the heart. After an extended weekend away from writing "the guide", i'm back and more spiteful than ever. I just hope that it translates well from my brain to the keyboard. Fuck an intro, let's get it started.

Chapter 4: Bitches aint shit.

Every man has "that" day. The day where an epiphany occurs and he no longer finds himself dwelling on past/present/future girl troubles and decideds instead to just go ahead and live in the moment. Girls don't have that option. At least not respectable girls with any morals or sense of self worth. Girls tend to believe that every guy they ever fucked, not only loved them, but in fact, still does. Sorry ladies, it just ain't like that. I said it before, but I will reiterate for the slow learners: guys only have the capacity to love 3-5 women in their lifetime, and chances are, if you were involved with him for any period less than 6 months, you weren't one of them. Sure, he still keeps a life line to you open, but you should understand that it's all part of a grand scheme. Let me put it out there in plain english for the uninitiated: Every guy knows that every girl he ever fucked, he can, and probably will (at some point), fuck again. So don't flatter yourself girls. Oh, he hit you up after not talking to you for 6 months? Sorry to burst your bubble, he just doesn't have any other options on the table, and you were the next girl in his cell phone's contact list. Don't think you're special, cause 9 times out of 10, you're not. But what about that 1/10 remainder... Hey, maybe you are the exception to the rule, but more often than not, you aren't, so just know that going in, and save yourself the embarassment later.

Next to jealousy, pride is the weakest of all emotions. It sounds stupid, but it's the absolute truth. And worse than pride, is female pride. No, I'm not talking about the feminist movement, I'm talking about that little corner of a girl's mind that henders her from saying the things she needs to say at any given moment, thus resulting in the one she wanted slipping away, and her, defaulting back to whatever was most comfortable, most recently. It's the way these hoes work. But ladies, with a little time and a few short lessons, you will see the error in your ways, stop being one of "those hoes", and get back on track. Obviously, some can't be saved, and if you think I'm talkin to/about you, I most certainly am. Stick with uncle Ollie, I would never lead you astray...

Look, I get it. I really do. Girls want to have the same options as the fellas. They want to be allowed to sleep around, they want the option to treat the other half like dirt, etc. etc... It ain't gonna happen. Double standards exist. Accept it. I know, I know, "it's unfair". Sorry. I didn't make the rules, I just accept them and write them down to help YOU out. Getting back to the point, I mean, honestly, we let you vote, isn't that enough? I mean, where does this madness end? No, you are not allowed to behave like a man. Be a fuckin lady, and accept your role in the game of life. Men have accepted their punishment, we have to walk around with a pair of balls all day long, that is why we are justified in all of our selfishness and unbecoming behavior. Do you have any idea how annoying balls can be? Of course not, you don't have them, so youre better suited to just take my word for it...

We know you have an opinion, but why don't you just shut the fuck up and keep it to yourself? Never, in the history of life, has a guy EVER said to a group of his homies, "you know guys, I really appreciate your opinions, but what I really need, is my girl's opinion". Never happened. Never will. Do you know why? Simple really, a girl's take on a situation will ALWAYS be construed as "off" for the simple fact that she is a female. And as we all know, the thought process of a female is completely out of sync from that of a male. Girls, do yourselves a favor and accept this as the pope's gospel. If your man is telling you that your opinion is of high concern to him, he's either gaming you, or he's a punk hoe. In either case, you are better off without him. Getting gamed by a dude will lead you to take drastic measures in future dealings with the fellas, and in all seriousness, will prolly scar you for life. On the flip side, if your man is a punk, then you are really getting the shit end of the stick. Bitch ass dudes are worse than the worst of psychotic females. The dude that expresses all of his feelings. The dude that isn't affraid to cry in front of you after knowing you for 10 days... Yeah, that guy, he will be the one slashing your tires 6 months from now. The one who stalks you for the next 10 years. The emotionally open, pose the greatest threat and are the ones to fear most. That goes for guys as well as girls. No guy wants the girl that throws it all on the line after a matter of days. That is risky business to say the least. Keep your concerns and opinions to yourself, and watch how much more he likes you...

Why is it that girl's are so satisfied making a dude miserable? I'm being dead up serious right now. Girls tend to be at their best, when their former/current significant other is at his worst. It's like women were placed on earth just to ruin a man's day. It could be anything from bitchin' to cheating, but the girl gets the most pleasure when the dude gets the most bent out of shape. Ladies, you wonder why dudes tend to be hesitant and reserved when dealing with you? I'm gonna go on record and tell you now... It's because every girl before you, and every girl after you, was/will be hell bent on making him miserable. Therefore, you should TRY, I say try because it is completely impossible for any girl to actually BE the exception to the rule... Ask him how his day was without expecting him to ask about yours. Give him a back rub without asking to have your feet touched. Cook him a meal, AND do the dishes. Be the provider that you were originally sent here to be. I swear man, the modern day woman just generally ain't shit. No more than 2 generations ago, it was perfectly acceptable for dude's to hit their chick anytime he deemed it neccesary. Nowadays, you got these hoes gettin out of pocket and tryin to go upside their dude's head in the club, in front of dozens of people. Where the fuck did that sense of entitlement come from? It damn sure wasn't your grandmother's way. I remember this one broad I knew told me that "guys don't want a girlfriend, they want a dog, they want someone they can treat like shit, who will just be there all the time"... You know what, she was damn right. Let's get it straight ladies, we tolerate you, so let's try to keep the lunacy and bitchin' to a minimum.

Alot of the female readers are prolly completely furious with me right now thinking "where does he get the nerve?"... Well, ladies, when the shoe fits, you gotta wear it. Drink it up, and take it for what it's worth. Whether you accept this as gospel, or just see the humor in what I write, you should know that it comes from a deep resentment for the female race that years of dealing with you wacky ass birds has created. So, hate if you want, but you should know, ultimately, you are to blame.

Thanks for your time. If you disagree, make it public, or forever hold your piece.

-Ollie the Gifted

Another One Bites the Dust

2009-12-21T09:33:00.000-08:00

R.I.P. Brittany Murphy.

I don't care to speculate, so I'll say I know for certain that she died from a heart attack as a result of her heroin addiction. It sucks.

-Olls

Female Guide to Dating: Chapter 3

2009-12-15T11:40:00.000-08:00

I took a brief, but well needed break from writing these little nuggets of wisdom for all you heathens to comtemplate the next logical step in the progression of this so called "book". Spent some time soul searching, but I came up empty because, according to most women (save for my mother, God love her), I don't have a soul, took some words of wisdom from several different sources, and despite my better judgement I have decided to proceed with the next chapter. I mean in all honesty, the response to the first 2 chapters has converted me into a "Dear Abbey" of sorts, so rather than address each person individually, I'm just gonna go ahead and spill my brain.

Chapter 3: The Statuate of Limitations.

Uggghhhhhhh... That's how I feel about writing this right now. This isn't one of those chapters where I can be playful and rude. In fact, this is a warning to everyone who continues on, this isn't typical Ollie... or maybe it is.

To be clear, this chapter will be separated into 2 categories. The first will deal with the boundaries of who is/isn't off limits based on familial and friendship ties. The second will deal with where the line in the sand shall be drawn for ladies who tend to hang on the overzealous side of the fence, and hit their man in public, cause scenes, expose themselves publicly, etc.

So without anymore build up, I just want to say this: Don't read this if you are unstable. I don't need to stabbed or slandered the next time you see me. HAHA.

And were off...

As far as I know, there has never been an actual reference guide to decide when/if it is right/wrong to date the former significant other of a personal friend or family member. With that said, this will now be THE OFFICIAL reference guide for not only getting past that old fling, but getting onto your best friend's former love interest. All the dating guides (everyone elses blubbery bullshit, this is the realness over here) tell you that it should take "approximately half the time you were involved with someone to get over them". Meaning simply: If you dated for a year, you should be over it in 6 months...

I beg to differ. I'm just gonna throw this out there now: Sluts heal faster. It's a fact. So ladies, if you want to be able to get over the last asshole you dated, get onto a new asshole, and keep doing that until eventually you have become a heartless/soulless spawn of satan (like yours truly). Then, and only then, will you be able to see the world as your personal playground and reap the benefits of a shameless existence. Seems easy enough right? AHHNT. Wrong. The problem is, girls have more emotions than men. They show it more often, they react differently to situations, and in general, tend to have more respect for themselves than the other half of the human race. This is a very slippery slope we are attempting to navigate. So bare with me...

For fairness sake, I am going to say that yes, it is more often than not, absolutely positively 100% possible to find a new guy/girl to latch onto that has absolutely zero ties to anyone you know. Really tho, what's the fun in that? Sure, you could move away and find yourself a good ol' boy, but, for the sake of this arguement, let's just say the chances of that happening are about 1 in 73,256. That's a nice round figure. So, what if... What if the new apple of your eye happens to be a former fling/boyfriend/fuck buddy of one of your friends or family members? Is it wrong to cross that line with them? Is it immoral to find comfort in the arms of a person who once dated/fucked your brother/sister/cousin/friend/co-worker/etc.??

The answer is yesno. Look, everyone has their own set of values and their own personal moral compass. No matter what you believe, spiritually or otherwise, it is never easy to justify the tainting of one's friendship for the sake of passion. But this is not a guide on morals were discussing here, if you're looking for moral support or justification, you have quite literally come to the worst possible source. What I am talking about is a pure numbers game.

So let's get down to the mathematics.

Your friend hooked up with this guy a few times, 3 months ago, and it was completely casual. Is it ok for you to fuck him? Absolutely.

Your friend dated this guy for 6 months, it ended 6 months ago, he broke her heart. Are you in the clear? Maybe. It depends on the level of friendship.

Let me break it down like this:

On a scale of 1-5, where does the above stated friend rank?

1- you shared a class with her in high school.
2- you were friends all thru elementary school, but then you got cool and she stayed nerdy.
3- you'd be invited to the wedding, but she wouldn't neccessarily care if you showed up.
4- You guys have a really strong bond and hang out pretty regularly.
5- She's your sister and you would die for her.

**NOTE** This scale applies to both men and women.

If your relationship status with said friend is anywhere in levels 1-3, you're in hog heaven. Fuck her, she would still be your friend if she was worth having around anyways. Right?

If she happens to fall between the cracks of 3 and 4, you're probably going to be ok, so long as she is a logical thinker. And by logical I mean, she wouldn't be nice to your face and then cut off half of your hair while you sleep out of spite.

If she ranks a solid 4, in this case (6 month relationship, been over 6 months) you are absolutely justified in testing the waters. The truth is, if he broke her heart, he'll prolly do the same to you, but hey, life's a gamble right? Roll those motherfuckin' dice and get it crackin'.

For the sake of self preservation, I will refrain from making the arguement that it is ok to go forward with a level 5.

Now, let's say that your friend dated a fella for a solid year or two. They had some troubles, eventually it didn't work out. They have both moved on and the relationship has been over longer than it lasted. How do the numbers play out here?

Levels 1-3: See above.

The level 4 gets tricky. It is a situation where, as a friend to you, the girl should understand that you are obviously taking a big risk in involving yourself with said individual and for that, she should respect the decision. Losing friends is common ground when it comes to dealing with relationships, but like I mentioned before, guys hate 70% of your friends anyway. So good riddance. Besides, if she was really your friend, she would want to see you sparkle, not fade. Furthermore, if the relationship has been over longer than it lasted, time has allowed for all wounds to heal, you prolly already know every bad thing there is to know about the guy to begin with, so there really shouldn't be much surprise. What always gets me is how entitled females get when it comes to a friend dating their ex. Let me just make it clear: He is your ex for a reason. Leave the guy alone, and focus on whoever you are currently making miserable but trying to make happy now. For insight on how to do this, please refer to chapters 1 and 2 located Here and Here.

As for level 5's, in any situation outside of a casual fuck session, I can honestly say that for chicks, it is never ok to fuck somebody who was emotionally tied to a level 5.

Conversely, guys have a completely different approach to this matter. Imma just go ahead and let Snoop and Nate Dogg tell you how it goes...

HAHA. Now of course that isn't true in all situations. If it's a bird brain chick with no morals or shame, of course it is perfectly acceptable to pass her around the circle. Shit, in fact, I personally believe that if a girl is willing to let herself get tossed around that easily, you might as well hit it twice.

Moving on tho, ladies, you have suffered with a smile thru all of my chauvenist rants, so I will give you some insight into the mind of one of the most self absorbed people you will prolly (n)ever meet. I mean, fair is fair right?

MOST men in the world only have enough heart to ever REALLY love a MAXIMUM of 3-5 women in their entire lives. Girls, on the other hand, can convince themselves they are in love after 2 dates and a couple solid sexual romps..

Back to the fellas...

The guy's scale is skewed, and since this is the female guide to dating and the fellas already know the rules, Im gonna keep it short and simple:

If the guy ever LOVED the girl and the homie rates anywhere above a 3 on the scale, she is off limits. Thats it. End of story.

I have literally been sitting here for 6 minutes trying to come up with a good segway into part 2 of this chapter...

This is the best I could come up with, so if you could write it better, you wouldn't be reading this to begin with now would you? So fuck you.

My mother (the saint that she is) has told me since birth that if a woman feels that she is in a position to hit a man, she should expect to be treated as such. Like a man, for the slow class. Can you hear me in the back?? Ok good. Now, I would like to go on record here and say that I, personally, have never hit a woman. I have, however, been hit, kicked, slapped, screamed at, pinched (don't ever fucking pinch me), you name it, they've done it. Why Ollie? Why, if you're such an ice cold son of a bitch, why wouldn't you jump at the opportunity to hit a bitch who is more than deserving of said backhand/throat jab? Well, because in my personal experiences, it was one of two situations. 1. I caused the commotion to begin with, or 2. it was in a public forum, and that is one cross I wasn't willing to bare. Contrary to popular belief, I love women, I just can't stand them.

My personal belief in the whole "girls hitting guys" debate is that a girl has 3 chances. That's right. I said 3. If she hits/kicks/slaps you in 3 different engagements, that is grounds for a firm, not violent, but firm, reminder that she is indeed a woman, and you are wearing the fucking pants in this relationship.

I've known alot of girls over the years with excellent titties who were openly willing to display them at a moment's notice. I love those girls. What I don't love, as a matter of fact, I completely hate, is when that girl happens to be the girl that I am "with" at a given time. Ladies, when you're single, be free. Let those titties breathe. Throw em out on the table. Compare with your friends (preferably in large groups of men) but when you're on lock down, i.e. "got a man" (how long you had that problem? haha) the goods are reserved EXCLUSIVELY for that guy. That's it. No if's, and's, or but's. (Unless of course the if is young Ollie da Don, in which case, you already... I am the exception to every rule.) No guy wants his buddy to tell him how good or bad your titties are after you drunkenly flashed them at last year's super bowl party. So, to drive this point home one final time: If you're single, everyone should be priveledged enough to see the goodies, if you're locked up, keep it tight.

Along with the girls that like to show their tits typically roam the girls that get excessively drunk at inappropriate times. Ladies, unless previously arranged, you should NEVER, at any point, be more inebriated than your significant other. It's just not a good look. Sloppy drunk girls are embarassing and clingy. Keep your composure. Your job is to make your man look and feel better. If he is constantly lookin over his shoulder to make sure you haven't fallen down, or thrown up, or flopped the titties out on the bar, you can be damn sure he isn't having a good time. And we all know what that means, if the man ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.

Stick to the script, and follow the scale. Be honest with yourselves, and you'll be navigating thru troubled waters like an old sea captain with an eye patch and a wooden leg in no time.

I'm here for you. If you have something you would like addressed, please feel free to email me, day or night, nickelplatedbama@gmail.com. I will post the question annonymously and answer with severe conviction.

-Ollie

Dear Sk8Mafia:

2009-12-15T11:28:00.000-08:00

This deck fuckin rules.

I'll take 2. thanks. haha.

I see you Larelle... What up Shift?!

-Ollie

I Still Love Lindsey

2009-12-15T08:07:00.001-08:00

Yo, I've had my eye on ms. Lohan for like 5 years now. I know she has seen her share of ups and downs (more downs than ups tho), but when she needs to, she can still bring that sexy.

is it wrong that my favorite part of this picture is the cigarette?

She is still defying all laws of nature. Skinny white girl with red hair but humongous tits? That's like finding a pink striped zebra indigenous to the metropolitan Detroit area...

P.S. Am I the only one still prayin for that sex tape?

-Ollie

In Your Face Like A Buck Fitty Wit a Razor

2009-12-10T13:56:00.000-08:00

Pure. Raw. Classic.

OC - Far From Yours. On my '97 shit yet again. Man I miss the days...

-Ollie

NPB presents: Oliver Wrist's Female Guide to Dating pt. 2

2009-12-03T13:25:00.000-08:00

Despite the solid response to Chapter 1 of the Female Guide to Dating, there were obviously some naysayers and critics. Fortunately for me, and the rest of the readers of this blog, criticism only fuels my fire and reinforces my absurd opinions on the matter of dating, and the general lunacy that dwells deep within the caverns of the female mind.

For today's chapter, I want to delve into the world of obligations...

Chapter 2. Being a Girlfriend is a Full Time Job:

Ladies, it's better if you know now, rather than waiting til the eventual collapse of your relationship, that being a girlfriend is a full-time job, whereas for a man, it is more of an "as-needed" scenario. I understand how sexist this may come across, but if you are going to secure your position as his "bottom bitch" (that is a term of endearment for most), learn this lesson early and often and put it to good use.

Let him be the man in the relationship. What does that entail exactly? Simple. He picks the restaurant. He pays for the meal. Trust in this, there is nothing worse than offering to split the check with a man. It serves as a tremendous blow to his ego, which is a most definite no-no. Your job as a girlfrined consists of many things, but somewhere near the top of that list is the law written on the back of Moses' stones (ten commandments): Thou shalt stroke thy man's ego. The stroking of the ego comes in many forms, ranging from sitting in the corner quietly while he conducts his business, all the way to defending his drunken outbursts at your family's holiday dinner. It is important to know that if he does choose to fight your father, you always take his (your man's) side. Father's love their daughters out of obligation, men love their women by choice. Or because they chose to settle because it didn't seem like anything else better would be coming along. Besides that, embedded deep within the man's DNA lies a special chromosome that allows fist fights to turn into friendships immediately following the carnage. So, after the fight, 7 times out of 10 the man will get up, shake father's hand, and be done with it. If, in the off chance this doesn't happen, ladies should already have the car running and a middle finger ready to show their father as soon as the fight is over. Also, no matter the outcome, ALWAYS tell him how much he kicked your dad's ass.

Double standards exist. It's a fact. Take for instance the fact that men are (or should be) allowed to scope out any little birdy they see. Women, on the other hand, are welcome to check out the fellas, just so long as it is in the privacy of your own quarters or whilst hangin out with that group of friends that your man hates. It's a pretty common statistic that 60% of your friends are not going to like the man you have chosen. Why? Jealousy really. Simple and plain. So if it requires you burning a few bridges with aquaintances from yesteryear, Fuck 'Em, you got your man and thats all you need anyway. Conversely, the guy will never be giving up his friends, so it's best you just learn to live with them.

Sticking with the double standard theme for a second, I want to discuss oral pleasure. For a man, getting a blowjob is a god given right. In all seriousness, men would not even bother to put up with a woman's psychosis if it wasn't so difficult to find someone to blow us regularly. Sure there are prostitutes, but why waste perfectly good, hard earned beer money on a hoe, when you got a perfectly suitable (hopefully after reading this novel) girlfriend at home just waiting to polish you off? However, recieving and giving are 2 completely different things. And I know that the old adage reads "tis better to give than recieve", but that is pure horseshit. When it comes to oral, it is always better to recieve than give. That's the reason that the ratio of his pleasure to yours should read somewhere along the lines of 10:1. He gets 10 blowjobs to every one time he goes down. Unless of course ladies, you hit the jackpot and found a guy who actually enjoys crawling around and fumbling between your legs, in which case, you don't really need to be reading this guide so you are more than welcome to just X this screen right now.

While we are on the subject of ego inflation and sexual favors, I feel it is important to point out the fact that female orgasms are, by nature, much more difficult to achieve than male orgasms. We know this. You know this. So, in order to keep that man you are so desperately trying to please happy, always, ALWAYS, fake your arrival if he failed to fulfill his duties. There is nothing worse than the man having to ask if you finished, if he even bothers to care at all.

Bossy women get forgotten and left with the quickness. Sure, there are a select group of fellas out there who are desperately seeking a woman who controls everything. They are (un)affectionately known as "in the closet" homosexuals, and more often than not, will turn out to be a ladies best friend. Men hate that guy. Your gay friends bother us. Most times it's not a matter of homophobia, more a matter of wanting to slap that guy back into his role as a man. We don't understand the desire to be gay. Men, in general, are self absorbed pigs. Why would we want to co-habitate with another man, especially one displaying feminine qualities and general cat ass behavior on a regular basis.

Moving on. Ladies, it is important to dress appropriately at all times. Sweats are unattractive and completely unstimulating. We don't care if you're menstrating. In fact, we enjoy that one week a month. Why? Simple, it means blowjobs every night as compared to actually having to do any sort of strenuous activity and have sex. Think of it as a weekend. If the relationship is a job (which it is), the week of the period is our vacation from it. So, during the courtship, and 10 years into the relationship, you should be treating every day like you are going to the Oscars. Put on that dress. Fix your hair. Do your makeup. All of these things go hand in hand with a man's sexual appetite. On the flip side of that coin, if we choose to wear our sweats to your grandmother's 90th birthday party, just know that we have a good reason for it. I'm sure you're wondering what that reason is, but just keep that question locked away in your brain. No sense in starting a fight on the way to Grandma's b-day party right? RIGHT. Now you're learning.

Keep it tight. No, I'm not talking about your kegel excercises. I'm talking about the stomach, hips, thighs, and tailpiece. Hit those squats. Do those lunges. Crunch those abs. A man's worst fear is the girl getting comfortable in the relationship and letting herself go. Hittin' the gym regularly shows your man that you are dedicated to keepin that body lookin fit, and that is a great quality to display.

I seem to be noticing a trend over the last 3-5 years of these half gay roid heads puttin in 12 hours a day at the gym and rockin that spray tan as a means to attract ladies. Those guys are pussy. Real men wear beards and keep a beer belly. Yes, I know, I just lumped myself into the category of "real men", but hey, "if the shoe fits?" right... Back to the muscle heads. The overly worked out vanity muscles and veins bulging out of his forearms is compensation for lack of personality, a small member, or both. So, for the girls who think that the muscle head roid freak is their type, it's time to stop reading here. If you really want one of those guys, all you gotta do is let him buy your drinks, you'll be roofied by drink #3 and most likely wake up pregnant 2 days later. Congrat-u-fuckin-lations.

Do the laundry. I know this sounds soooo "1950", but it's the truth. Fact: men do not enjoy doing laundry, but we sure as hell like to come home and find the laundry washed and folded and ready for wear. So you're home sick, if you expect me to bring you soup, you better use that sick day wisely by gettin that pile of laundry that has been accumulating on his floor washed and pressed. Trust me, when a girl does the laundry, it's a big turn on.

On the subject of housework, every woman should know how to cook AT LEAST 2 solid meals. I'm not talkin about whippin up some mac'n'cheese. I mean a meal. Lasagna. Tacos. Etc. Something that requires some effort. Don't stop there, learn how to make the side dishes too. Do you remember when you were a kid and mom had dinner ready for dad precisely at 5:30 as he walked in the door from his long day of work at the factory? Neither do I. But I do remember this statistic, somewhere between 40-50% of ALL marriages end in divorce. My hypothesis on this matter is simple, the bitch couldnt cook. HA.

I think that about sums up chapter 2 for now. Back with the next installment as soon as I get the time to write it.

-Ollie the Scholar

NPB presents: Oliver Wrist's Female Guide to Dating pt. 1

2009-12-01T10:31:00.000-08:00

The cold hard truth of the matter about yours truly is that I am, without a shadow of a doubt, a real son of a bitch. It's a fair assesment, save for the fact that my mother is a saint, which i assume to be the complete opposite of a bitch. But I digress... I spend countless hours of my valuable time writing man laws, womanizing, pointing out the flaws in people, and just generally acting like a raging chauvenist prick. So today, with a little inspiration from a few of my "to remain nameless" female friends, I am going to show the ladies a little bit of love and give them a step by step guide to dating, not only men, but the assholes too.

A brief introduction here, and then were off to the races...

First of all, this is not going to work for all ladies. Let's just accept that. Only the ladies that have the drive and ambition to become the object of his desires will succeed in this course.

Second, this advice is given with fair warning to all the ladies who choose to implement these tools to win over the asshole in their life that chances are he is going to crush you in the long run anyways, because despite how hard you try to stick to the script, every one knows that females are inherently that, FEMALE. So, in time, the lunacy that all females possess will take over the cool chick that you were presenting and all that work you did will be for nothing because you let HER out of the cage. This should go without saying, but I'm putting it out there anyways: Ladies, if you want it to last, you can't be "yourself".

My third and final point before attempting to tackle this subject is simple, this is not for the faint of heart. Please take everything with a grain of salt and understand that this is only going to act as a basic outline for what you should be doing and only those select few ladies out there that are willing to go the extra mile to succeed will learn to use this guide, and bend it to their will. You, fair ladies, are who this is meant for.

Oh yeah, I should mention, this will be an ongoing series of chapters. If I tackled everything all at once, this post would never end. So We will start with chapter one today, and move on to chapter two tomorrow.

Chapter 1: Get out of your head.

Very simply put, if you're tryin to nab that dreamboat you've always wanted but haven't had any success, chances are you are over thinking it. Either that, or you're ugly. If the latter is the case, stay tuned for later chapters. Moving on tho, guys, by nature, are very simple creatures. There is no grand mystery to understanding the way men operate. If you want to understand the way a guy's mind works, just examine the way boys behave when they have a crush in the 2nd/3rd grade. Pulling hair, being mean, pushing the girl down, chasing her around the playground, telling her she's ugly, etc. Sound familiar? You remember this shit? Now apply it to your past/current/future failed relationships. Some of the actions have changed, but definitely none of the reactions. So maybe he's not pulling your hair and chasing you around the playground, but he is still making you feel like you don't matter. Am I right? Are you still with me? (I can see all the girls heads nodding in agreeance right now. HAHA.) Girls want to be loved, guys know this, so it is our job as a man to provide as much resistance as possible while still getting what we want from the "relationship".

Stop overanalyzing everything. So maybe he didn't call you back, guess what? That's his perogative. 9 times out of 10, the guy just didn't have anything important to tell you and decided to watch the history channel and fall asleep. But Ollie, what about that other 1/10? He just wanted to show you that you didn't matter, but by doing so, ladies you should understand that he showed you the complete opposite. Huh? What does that mean? It's simple really. When the guy makes it a point to let you know he wasn't thinking about you, he most certainly was. Now just nestle that somewhere safe in your brain and keep it locked there. No, you never tell him you know, just know it and accept it and move forward. Remember, this is about fixing yourselves ladies, not him. Which leads me to my next point, Men can't be fixed, so don't bother trying. All the lady can do is mold herself to fit the picture of perfection the boy has been groomed to see.

Stop testing him. Look, every guy knows this, and girls should know that we know so that they will stop the bullshit testing game. EVERYTHING IS A TEST. Whether you or I admit to it or not, it is understood. Accept that and move on.

Question: "What do you mean by test Ollie?"

Answer: "You know exactly what I mean."

Do I really have to spell it out for you? Fine. I forgot for a second that I was dealing with the female side of the human coin.

Do we love you? Probably, but not as much as you love us, so don't ask, or expect to get a shitty response followed by a "I don't want to talk about it."

Oh, you want to play phone games and hang up on me to see if I will call back? Well, then I won't from now on.

Do I think she is pretty? Well, if you noticed her, you better damn well believe that I saw her before you did. Why bother asking me?

Why am I so annoyed? Because you keep asking me the same fucking question over and over again.

Are we clear now? These are simple examples of tests that women give guys on a regular basis. Cut that shit out, and I bet you my life savings and the royalties from my first published book, that you will be having alot more success with the fellas in the long run.

Speaking of the long run, yes, we know you have already picked out your wedding gown, and the song you will be dancing to on your wedding day. Don't tell us about it. There is no way that I know of personally that will turn a guy off faster than dropping the F-word on him, 2 weeks into the relationship. No, not Fuck, I'm talkin about the real F-Word: FOREVER. Do you have any idea how long forever is? I mean, it's FOREVER. As in, eternity. The rest of his natural born life. etc. etc. We know you're thinking it, but your job now as a student of young Ollie Da Don's workshop is to be mindful of the fact that we know, and NEVER let that cat out of the bag.

In this day and age of social networking and online dating, it is very easy for a lady to keep tabs on the guy she is interested in by "lurking" on his myspace/facebook pages and checkin in on who he is talking to. One word: Don't. Ladies, you know damn well that it is going to piss you off when you do find the dirt you are looking for, so why in the fuck would you want to set yourself up for that? Answer: Because "she" is coming back. Don't let her take over. You were doing so well. And if, despite all of my advice to the contrary, you still feel the need to stalk his facebook page, do so discreetly and never mention it to him. Guy's hate to be questioned. No matter what we say in response to your ridiculous alligations, it will always come off sounding guilty. Why? Because, the brutal fact of the matter is that yes, we enjoy being adored, and when given the option to get attention from an attractive female, we will not turn it down. This simple truth does not, however, mean we will be fuckin everything that walks by. Sure, men sniff around, and keep their eyes peeled for the next amazing tail piece to blaze on by, but ladies, without a little benefit of the doubt, all you will be doing is further pushing him into the arms of the next bad bitch to offer up the skins.

Jealousy is a weak emotion, a female trait if you will. Yes I said it, and damnit if I won't stand by it. Turning off this gluttonous urge to prove just how psycho and dramatic you can be is gonna be tricky. I won't lie. In fact, in 87% of cases studied (that is a scientific fact delivered to you courtest of Dr. Oliver Wrist), It is completely impossible to stop a female from being jealous. "So what do we do Ollie?" Simple. Don't over react. In fact, under react. You see him in the streets choppin up his ex girlfriend, being friendly, don't go running up to cock block. No, No, instead, walk on over and invite her to join you guys for dinner some time. Why would you do this? Simple. One, it completely exudes confidence. Men can smell the confidence a mile away, and that, ladies, is your third best asset (more on this in later chapters). Two, it lets HER know that you got your man locked and you are not threatened (further demonstrating that confidence). And three, it breaks up the party before there is a chance for you to go berzerk and flip out and then play the game known as "I don't know what you're talking about". God damnit, yes you do. You know exactly what I am talking about when I ask you "what is your problem?".

Dating is a series of games and role playing, it sucks, but it's true. Choosing to embrace this fact rather than ignore it will hopefully give the ladies the inside track and help them get one step closer to their goal of complete domination of their particular male interest.

Back with chapter 2 tomorrow. Tell a friend...

-Ollie the Scholar

Terribly Awesome

2009-11-30T13:19:00.000-08:00

Dude, I had no idea what to expect when i clicked on this video, but damn am I happy that I did. That auto-tune in the hook is just unreal, and that 1981 apple computer frankenstein monster he's using to create this masterpiece just makes it that much better. ha.

****Update****

I'm lookin at that mess on the table, am I seeing a weedwhacker motor? Man, this guy is dangerously smooth.

-Olls

Fucking White People...

2009-11-25T08:30:00.001-08:00

I'm taking the rest of the week off. Enjoy the holidays you gluttonous fucks.

-Ollie

Throwback Thursday: Necro - Underground

2009-11-19T12:47:00.000-08:00

I remember knockin this shit really tough my Junior year of high school. The thing that stands out most in my mind is that my punk rock homies were hella into Necro, but nothing else that I was showing them at the time. I guess Necro's absurd brutal death rap transcends genre's for impressionable youth. Me? Not so much. I've been steadfast in my appreciation of hip hop music for the better part of 2 decades. That may date me a bit, but new jacks gotta know where all their favorite underground artists came from, and what impact they had in the years before you discovered them.

What were you knockin in 2000?

-Old ass Ollie

Clipse - Popular Demand

2009-11-18T14:18:00.000-08:00

Mother of christ this shit knocks...

Sorry, had to go back and listen again. and again. and again.

Do yourself a favor and cop this album "Til the Casket Drops" on Dec. 8th, but before you do that, go over to The Anatomy Magazine blog and sign up for the free digital magazine set to release in January. BUT, if you sign up now, you can get the first issue in December with Malice and Pusha T (collectively known as The Clipse) on the cover.

Let me just take a quick second to reiterate this... My mellow, my man, CBrett is about to be at the helm of one of the better urban fashion/music/culture magazines that the internet has ever seen. Cover story of the first issue is The Clipse? You kiddin me right now? BIG UPS and 1 brazillion props to Cliff and his crew for putting together what I am sure will be one of the best mags around. I mean, no shots or nothin, but Cliff, you're slippin not havin young Ollie's column in that piece.. HAHA. All in due time..

Oh and did I mention it is free to sign up?

The Anatomy Magazine.

Don't say I never gave you nothin.

Peace.

Oh yeah, shout out to Mr. Makeshift who is set to be featured in the first issue as well...

CLIPSE!!

-Ollie da Don

Brady Bunch Boyz

2009-11-12T16:26:00.000-08:00

So the other night I was havin some drinks with my brother and the snowmaster (ha) downtown in this fair city of ours. After 5 or 6 pints me and Smalls decided to bail. On the way home, i look across the street and see a group of youngin's jerkin it somethin fierce. So, you know me, I stepped to em, and we had a little photo shoot...

Peace to my dude holdin up the wall, that's my shit right there!

For real tho, and I ain't bullshittin, homie on his toes held that pose for like 12 seconds. no joke.

I told em let me get a group shot and they said "blow up". I didn't get it, but then they all threw up their crew sign and bam...

The wild shit is, they told me their crew name and I forgot it til like 3 hours ago. I searched for these kids on youtube and whattayaknow? They got a video up from the same night I caught em jerkin at the convention center.

Now, I'm no master of jerkin myself, nor do I know what qualifies a person as good, bad or indifferent, but i do know these little knuckleheads got some game.

Told ya'll I'd put you up. Sorry it took so long. Stay trilllllll.

-Ollie the Jerk

Photo dump

2009-11-06T12:10:00.000-08:00

I've been on my job takin flicks pretty hard in these streets the last month or so. These are a bunch of flicks I snapped. Enjoy...

Almost caused a wreck to get this. Ol boy was slumpin hard on his 16" cruiser.

Slow down and let the golddiggers count my spokes...

Carnivore.

Jheri curls are makin power moves amongst the tweens.

Catering to the tastes of the border brothers.

His homies were holdin him up. I've never seen jelly legs like this in my life.

Horse race hat?

Mustache rides are different in spanish.

That facial hair tells me that homie aint to be trifled with.

I asked if he was holdin it for his girl.. "Nah".

Gassed on the bud light chick.

She's like a 6.8

I like this flick.

As always, if you have a beard, youre good with me.

R.I.P. Think Skateboards.

Did you see that pony tail coming? Cause I sure as hell didn't.

Yep.

Twizted holmes.

Maybe better than above moustache.

Pooka shells and thriller jacket. nice moves.

Lay it out there.

My form is flawless.

Ran out 3 racks, hung the last ball. 15 beers deep at the fair. Those games are rigged, but i'm nice with the cue stick.

Odelay!

Young Noah, the protege.

Gettin hassled by the piggies.

Latin heat.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Halloween 2009.

Leeloo.

"What are you supposed to be?"... "Bad fucking ass."

These boots are major. Heavy in the streets.

This photo is official.

Sesame Street. Heavy in the streets like the seven series beemer mayne...

Magnum P.I.

Surprisingly, the only M.J. I saw all night.

I can't call it.

Even a broken hand aint slowin him down.

A chola chick, that'll shank ya dick...

Funky chicken?

Rad.

After about 20 drinks, I was convinced this was John Gosselin.

"Who the fuck pushed me down?"

yessir.

Red haired girls rule.

Thats it for now. I should really put my game face on and post the rest of the flicks from Venice.

-Ollirazzi

Yankees Win!!!

2009-11-05T07:46:00.000-08:00

Big fuckin deal. Let the bandwagon riding "I've always been a fan" bitchassness begin. Seriously, how are the Yankees not gonna win? Wasn't like 75% of their roster on the AL all-star team this year? The fuck outta here dude. It was set in stone. I don't like to buy into baseball conspiracy (it's too great of a game), but the Yankees win the World Series, at home in the NEW 80 bazillion dollar replica of former Yankee stadium, first year it's operational? Seems fishy. Farildo. Yankees had this shit wrapped up in Philly more than once, but dump the game(s) to take it home, stretch the series for them commercial dollars, and lock it in AT HOME.

Think about it. How much loot is lost when a series is a 4 game sweep? That air time during the world series doesn't come cheap, and Fox knows this. Especially when you got 2 East Coast teams dueling for the championship. So when the series goes 6, Fox is cleaning up.

For the record, I watched a total of 35 minutes of playoff/world series baseball this year. As soon as the Cubbies mailed it in right around August, baseball lost it's flavor with the quickness. I mean, seriously, all this means to me is that I have to burn yet another cubbies hat and add another year to the neverending story that is "the lovable losers from Chi-town".

Just cause it makes me laugh, I'm gonna run this joint again...

I will not front on A-Rod's ability to change a game with the glove OR the bat at any given time, but my man really needs to tighten up that belt and quit exhibiting so many feminine qualities.

Highlights in your wig piece? Check.

Eyes closed in extasy while a grown ass Asian DUDE is caressing your bare chest? CHIZECK!

Why does this photo exist? I mean really, in what situation did A-Rod's manager/agent/wife/someone who cares allow this to happen? Why is this acceptable behavior? And more importantly, why is this the only photo from the photoshoot? What happened to the rest of the series? What lines were crossed?

Nevermind. Don't answer that.

-O-Rod

I'm Going to Harvard

2009-11-03T09:20:00.000-08:00

Traditionally, Harvard has been known as the upper tier temple of higher learning. Whether it be law, medical, etc. Harvard has had the game in a yoke for a minute. Sorry Brock and Lake at Us versus Them, I know ya'll are big Duke fans and everything... but yo, back to the point..

Other than academics, Harvard is straight pussy. I mean in every single other facet of life. A safe haven for middle and upper class white yuppies to go get a degree to hang on their wall and never use, because daddy's money will hold 'em over 'til he eventually kicks the proverbial bucket and that nice little inheritance kicks in.

You know I'm only half serious of course, generalizing an entire establishment such as Harvard as a collection of self entitled rich suburban kids is just ridiculous, because of this announcement that just came off the line...

Harvard is now offering a new course based exclusively on HBO’s hit T.V. show “The Wire”.

Yeah I said it. Click that link to get schooled up.

So obviously I have put in my bid to be accepted to Harvard based solely on my knowledge of "The Wire".

Cat's don't know... Let me learn ya. The Wire is without a doubt, the most gangster television show in the history of TV. Yes, better than "The Sopranos", even better than "Sons of Anarchy" (and that hurts me to say cause that show is truly BFA and better than anything else on right now).

Let's catch up a bit...

Now, moving on, Harvard (yes that Harvard) voted via a panel of teachers, students, elites, etc. and gave the green light to use this show as a means to educate students on the rough state of urban society. As Profesor William J. Wilson said:

"I do not hesitate to say that it has done more to enhance our understanding of the challenges of urban life and the problems of urban inequality, more than any other media event or scholarly publication," Wilson told the audience before poking fun at himself, "including studies by social scientitsts."

Now I have a few questions:

1. Will there be character breakdowns and debates as to who was the hardest of hard out there in those Baltimore streets?

Let's examine the characters:

First up we got Avon Barksdale...

I mean, what is there to say about this cat? Avon ruled with an iron fist, stackin loot taller than Manut Bull and still had the stones to body fools himself.

Next, we got Omar...

Yo, for real, this cat was so hard that the dope-spot stash houses would just throw the g-packs from 2 floors up out of fear that he would kill everyone. Oh, and did I mention he had this much street cred while being a blatant homosexual? You gotta respect that..

Now we come to Marlo Stanfield...

No words, Im'ma let this video do the talkin...

"My NAME WAS IN THE STREETS!!?"

Man, Marlo was easily the most ice cold, heartless, kill his momma for $2 dollars type a cat, quietly, the little young'n Michael was the hardest out.

First body before he could drive? CHECK. Took out Snoop? CHECK. Stepped to Marlo? CHIZECK.

matter of fact, lets run some clips...

Now I know that whole bit about "never was one of us" might throw some folks but just know, Michael intended it to be that way. Playin it separate, askin questions, makin himself look soft, all that did was make his game that much tighter.

I give up. I can't call it. I have even forgotten the rest of my questions relating to this shit cause i'm stuck on youtube watchin clip after clip of The Wire.

Get you some.

-Ollie Stanfield

Hollywood part 1

2009-10-28T12:40:00.000-07:00

True dat.

Fuck the Joker, look at the cut on homeboy's head!

"You got any tips for me?" Get a real job.

Hand stitched.

Polar Bear Club. Face melters.

So I went to a punk rock show... Fuck you.

jailbait.

my dude right here.

What up tho... Told you I'd put you up.

The new age Zach De la Rocha.

This place was trill.

Moshpits. Really? Were still doin that?

This kid was hyped the fuck up. I remember him being the only one dancin around. reminded me of that scene in "Nick and Norah's Infinite playlist" where the little asian kid is all hype on the dance floor dolo breakdancin for that band "R U Randy" or whatever. Don't judge me. I'm a sucker for teen angst..

yeaaaaahhhh...

New fam.

Over it.

I'm about 90% sure these girls never went into the show. Just col' lampin...

This picture speaks volumes.

cool goat Anthrax guy.

If you got a beard, you're cool with me.

Thicky thickerson stage right. That was an accidental photo, but then i noticed that ol' girl was workin with some thighs but i couldn't flip it in time to peep the tail... Next time, I won't miss.

Life.

Iceberg... I think that's what he told me his name was. Peep stage left tho, homegirl's arm is livin large.

Just creeped on these cats mashin the streets with what i presume to be stolen carved pumpkins. They thought I was paparazzi, Told 'em to kick back, I was on the same team.

They put me on as an honorary star for my visit. You know what it is.

Cool cats. I tried to convince em I could bust a kickflip first try. Yeah right. By this point I had to have crushed 12 heinekens...

Walked into this bar for a piss. The bathroom was down 2 flights of stairs, when i came back up, my man was doin a serious MJ impression.

One for the money.

Quietly, this bird was kinda fly.

The rest of the pictures are cued up and loading into photobucket. If I get the inspiration to do so, I'll hit you off with another set of flicks this afternoon.

As for the rest of the night, Went to the divest bar we could find, vodka tonics and jager?? Fuck. Rolled out as the boys from Polar Bear Club were rollin in. Homie gave me the "where you goin" look, but I ain't no groupie, so we were out.

Part 2 later.

Man Laws:

2009-10-27T12:33:00.000-07:00

1. If you can grow a beard, grow a fucking beard. PERIOD.

2. After the age of 12, any physical pain you suffer shall not result in tears. I don't care if you've compound fractured your femur, suck that shit up and rub some dirt on it.

3. After you have experienced your first heartbreak, crying over a woman is a waste of valuable time that could be better spent chopping down trees and enjoying that massive beard you have grown since that bitch left.

4. It is completely acceptable to cry during the movies "Fried Green Tomatoes" and "Old Yeller".

5. When given the option to fuck or have your laundry done... Get the laundry done. If she was willing to fuck you before doing the laundry, she will be willing to fuck you after the laundry is done. That laundry ain't gonna do itself.

6. Never leave the fo' sho' pussy fo some mo' pussy.

7. With the exception of your's truly, YOU are NOT getting any better looking with age.

8. You married your high school sweetheart? Congratulations DICK. You never get to see another stitch of tail for the rest of your life.

9. Drinking on your lunch break is completely acceptable, so long as it is a light beer. Save the leaded for after work.

10. If you can't change a tire, kill yourself RIGHT FUCKING NOW.

11. There is no such thing as "the right one", there's the one you want, the one you got, the one you could never have, and the one you wished you never met. In no particular order, of course.

12. If you have won every fight you've ever been in, you haven't been in enough fights.

13. You don't pay the hooker to fuck you, you pay her to leave.

14. If the restaurant does not have a minimum of 3 DIFFERENT cuts of red meat, walk the fuck out.

15. Mother comes before all other females.

16. Happiness, for the most part, is completely fabricated. The only truly happy people in the world are the people who, in all sincerity, do not give a FUCK.

17. The number of true friends you have in this world can be measured on one hand, anything beyond that, you don't comprehend TRUE friends.

18. If you are still currently backing Obama's health care initiative, your balls are gone.

19. Respect is earned, never given.

20. Silence is golden.

21. If your girl has more guy friends than girl friends, she's cheating on you.

22. All women are sisters and would rather eat your heart than give birth to your spawn.

23. If you've never caught a fish... I don't even have to finish.

More on this later...

-Ollie

Hollywood: The New Love/Hate Relationship

2009-10-27T11:39:00.000-07:00

Hang tight, seriously. Workin my thru 500+ photos, when I get the gems weeded out, huge post.

Highlights:

Days Inn.

Vodka Tonics.

Polar Bears in Hollywood.

BAMA Hollywood Star.

Venice.

Sunsets.

-Olls.

New Makeshift Leak: NPB Exclusive

2009-10-14T10:14:00.000-07:00

Been slackin on that j.o. last few days. Shoulda never left you, but I'm here, and I come bearing gifts.

Talkin to the homie Shift this morning and he blessed me with a new joint.

"You be puffin Stress"...

According to my dude, the BAMA is the first blog to get this up, so enjoy.

And because I'm such a good cat, here's a link to download the track and have it for your ipod. I know, I know, I'm too good to the streets.

Download Here

Juno in Five Years?

2009-10-06T13:48:00.000-07:00

Ha.

And just for kicks, cause I got it cued up, check out this awesome .gif I stumbled onto months ago and forgot until today...

-Olls

Hold The Fuckin' Phone: Shyne is Out?!?!

2009-10-06T10:28:00.000-07:00

This day has seriously been on my mind for years now. The release of Jamal Barrow a.k.a. Shyne Po of the once infamous, now debunkt Bad Boy family. Oh you didn't hear? Combat Jack put the people up on what was really poppin' behind the scenes at Bad Boy over on his blog, Daily-Math.com. The Reader's Digest version goes like this... Diddy tried to strongarm Interscope records, frontin' like he was still top billin' for the heavy loot cakes, Interscope responded with, what now looks to me, like a straight hostile takeover and sat Diddy's punk ass down with the quickness. Bad Boy headquarters is now officially closed down, and Bad Boy records as a label, as a movement, as the epicenter for some of the most classic hip hop tracks ever created, will now be manned from a corner office at Interscope records, withOUT Diddy pullin the strings.

Wait... Seriously? Bad Boy with no Diddy? I'm gonna go on record now and say that Bad Boy will never officially release another GOLD album for the rest of it's existence. The wheels have fallen off. The dynasty is finished. Like so many before it (read: Roc-A-Fella, Death Row, Loud, etc.), Bad Boy has gone the way of the Buffalo. Has the last great piece of Hip Hop history fallen at our feet? The signs of Armageddon are real people. Let's read thru Nostradomus' works and cross reference the words Diddy/Bad Boy/End of Times, I'm sure Science can figure out a way to Blame Puff for ending the world. I mean, he did end Shyne's life...

Or did he...?

I'm not sure if it is neccessary or not to give the back story as to what happened that cold New York City night that ended with Shyne takin' the hit for the squad (like a true soldier), but I have to assume that all the minions and followers are not quite "up on shit".

The story that I believe most, (again, no one but J.Lo, Puff, Shyne, and a few other select individuals truly know what popped), is that Puff got yoked, decided to flex his bitchassness and pop a few shots at some cats to impress J.Lo, then threw the gun in Shyne's lap and said: "Do you want your record to come out? Take the heat".

Shyne, at this time was still a 21 year old goon straight out of the gutters of NY's mean streets, thuggin is in his blood, and at this time in the world of hip hop, what Puff said, was gospel.

Fast forward 3+ months, Shyne is facing 10 years for attempted murder, amongst other things. The verdict is read. Guilty.

The man who was supposed to bring Bad Boy back to the spot they so desperately sought after the loss of Biggie, is now takin' that trip up North for what, on paper, was reading as 10 full years.

Shyne goes up, and Diddy does as he promised and releases Shyne's first solo album to critical acclaim.

Pause... Some posts require some background music, and this, my dear friends, is one of them.

Press play before you move any further.

Shyne is the definition of Bad Boy. At the time of his arrest, Shyne had quite literally been, quote, unquote, "fuckin with" Puff for no more than a few months, but still sacked up and took the heat for Diddy's bitch ass to prove himself worthy of the throne that Biggie had left vacant some 2 years prior.

I'm gonna say this now and stand by it 'til the day I die, Shyne had the potential to be, excuse me for this, "That Nigga". I mean for real, for real. Shyne had it.

So now Shyne is hemmed up, troopin the bid like a loyal soldier.

The paparazzi caught Puff after the sentencing and asked him how he felt about the verdict...

Me too Puff, me fucking too.

This was all in 2000. In the years to follow, Shyne would remain silent behind the walls, never speakin out about the night in question, never givin up Puff and fingering him (no homo) as the man responsible, and how does Puff repay that debt?

naddagoodlook Puff...

The legacy that once housed the likes of Craig Mack, Black Rob, Notorious B.I.Fuckin G., The Lox, Junior Mafia, Lil Kim, etc. is now home to wack ass bullshit artists and cat-like motherfuckers like Que?

Oh hell nah Puff. Biggie is rollin in his grave every time Making The Band hits the airwaves.

Oh, and let's not forget the fact that Puff actually turned this hoe out:

(Quietly, on the low, yes I would.)

Where was I?

Oh right... Diddy is out here doin the Harlem Shuffle and building an empire all on the back and shoulders of Shyne's word as a man. It's the code of the street, it's the world I live in, "Snitches get Stitches", and Shyne never snitched. Not a word.

Let's just say, Shyne is out, and EVERY record label in the world better be offering up MILLIONS to my man.

I also firmly believe that Puffy needs to catch that realll ass whoopin' immediately. You can't pay back 10 years of someone's life, but you damn well better be comin correct with those "thanks for not snitchin" checks. I mean, I know Puff goes hard and strong arms these featherweight new-jack Making the Band types, but let me see you try that shit with Shyne Po. I'd give anything in the world to be in the building first time Shyne locks eyes with Diddy.

Don't think for one second that Shyne's rap game slacked at all, HELL NAH. If anything, my man is sharper than ever, I mean, bein locked up for 10 years with nothing but hatred in your heart and a brain full of thoughts, a man is bound and destined to produce one of the greatest albums Hip Hop has ever heard. Be checkin for that new Shyne album, whenever it drops.

Big ups to Shyne for being one of the last real soldiers in this bitch-ass infested world of hip hop.

Chuuurch.

-Ollie da Don

The Irony of Dying on Your Birthday:

2009-09-23T11:30:00.000-07:00

And yes, that is indeed the title to a song by a poppy-screamo-metal band that I have spent WAY TOO MUCH time listening to over the last 2 weeks.

Oh yeah, AHEM! I'm back. Or something that might sort of resemble being "back".

God, this blog took a serious turn for the worse over the last month or so.

Let me say this, for those that are wondering, Yes, I am indeed still alive. No, I was not struggling with any form of writer's block. What I have been dealing with is more than I would wish on my most hated foe.

So here it goes, the story, the way I see it, and the way I want it told. To any and all who have played a part in this, I apologize for involving you in my mess. There I go again, apologizing. Fuck. I feel like Larry David over here.

Friday, September 11, 2009 (what an interesting day to choose to change my life ha!) I went to visit the tattoo shop. Not to get a tattoo, mind you, not at all. I went there to visit with my cousin, bullshit a little, and most importantly, I wanted to get some of that fancy carbon paper they use to transfer the drawing to the skin. I had this genius plan that it would work on canvas, and I had this pretty rad picture I drew sitting on my desk at home, just waiting to be painted.

So there I sit, chowin down pain killers like m&m's to comfort myself from the sense of loneliness and destitude that I have been wallowing in for the last several weeks when all of a sudden, I get the genius idea that I'm gonna get a new tattoo. At this point, I have no fucking clue what this tattoo will be, where it will go, or why I will get it, but nonetheless, I'm getting it.

I settle on the phrase "The Truth Shall Set You Free" over my "heart" or what, at that point, was left of it. So after the hustle of "how much" and alladat, I'm sittin in the chair, not feeling a thing, as I have been, for the last year or so, and 45 minutes later, I get up, go home, and take a look at my genius new insignia. For the record, I forgot the carbon paper all together, and couldn't for one second tell you what conversations I had, and with whom, or what, if anything, those conversations were about.

I go to sleep, alone, as I have been for the last month or so with the aid of my little yellow femme fatales. And no, I'm not talkin about petite asian masseuses, I'm talkin about these stupid little pills I've been force feeding myself to cover up the scars of emotional trauma under the guise of a fairly severe back injury I suffered back in high school.

Sleep is an excellent thing. So excellent, in fact, that I decided I was going to sleep the entire weekend away. Every time I woke up, I just took another handful and passed right the fuck back out. This went on until Sunday Morning...

The bottle is empty.

What will I do now?

That, my dear friends and followers, is when it hit me. I go to the bathroom, take a shower, and read the new ink permanently tattooed into my skin. The shit hit me like a stone Mason's hammer whilst building the Temple of Solomon (sorry, I watched a SHIT LOAD of History Channel in the numerous days to come).

"The Truth Shall Set You Free".

What a fuckin' concept.

The assessment of my life came at the urging from my mother. "You've been locked up sleeping for 40 hours straight, the fuck's your problem?"

And there it is folks.

**Time to get Honest**

I have a severe addiction to pain killers. One that ultimately had planned on sending me to an early grave, that, by this point in my life (Sunday night, not Today), didn't seem so bad.

What the Fuck? Awwwwww Hell Nah. I ain't goin out like that.

Get Real here.

So, Sunday Night I decided to clean up the act and cut the bullshit.

Despite the urging's of family members and other close confidants I said FUCK REHAB.

I am a grown ass man with the strength and will power to get thru ANYTHING.

The next Nine days of my life would prove to be the most difficult days I have ever been thru, or, for that matter, may EVER go thru.

I will not be specific in dosage amounts for sake of comparison to you or your friend's pill habits, suffice it to say, there was a LOT.

I'll do you a favor now and spare you the details of what was set to transpire, but this person I have been and was slowly turning into permanently was going to get the fuck gone, and your boy would be standing on his soapbox triumphant once again.

I can do this...

Whew.

Here I stand today, after 9 days of an agonizing detox coupled with the thrill of taking a loss in the realm of love, proving to myself, first and foremost, that I am capable of functioning without the use of those little crutches.

I guess that just about sums it up.

In retrospect, maybe this post should have been called Sunday Morning? Eh?

Bump that. Young Ollie in the building, and bout to shit all over the internets as soon as I get my strength back.

Thank you.

P.S. There is no chance I would have gotten thru this without the help of a few select individuals. No name droppin' tho, just know, without you, shit wouldn't have happened. LOVE.

I'm almost Back...

-Kevin M. Smith.

Is This What You Call Tact??

2009-09-03T07:58:00.000-07:00

2 week layover. Your boy has been straight M.I.A. Haven't done anything noteworthy in that time. Unless of course you count allowing ol' what's her name to penetrate the defenses and metaphorically crush my spirit against my will. But that shit is all over and done with now. Brand new day and a brand new lease on life.

If you all remember correctly, back on January 1, 2009 I made a vow to not make any more apologies for any of my actions ever again. That, obviously, did not work out, as I have spent the last 9 months of my life constantly apologizing for shit I can't honestly say I was ever really apologetic for. It's poetic really. Think about it...

It's just what anyone would do. You focus all of your efforts onto a single project, whether it be your blog, your job, or, in this case, my relationship, and then, when it all hits the proverbial "fan" you're left wondering what the fuck just happened?

I guess it goes without saying, but with my inability to leave things left unsaid, I'm gonna jump up here on my soapbox and spit venom in the form of words to any and all that have done me wrong in the last year. What? You thought you were going to get a pass?

First and foremost, the city of San Francisco, and more importantly that certain NOBODY that, to this day, remains nameless. Fuck you and your whole existence. I'd like to blame you for the tumbling of my castle that I once thought was built of indestructable bricks, but recently realized that shit was paper thin, but the sad truth of the matter is that you were just an innocent pawn in someone else's grand facade. Keep livin' that dream.

Next up on the list... Aww Fuck it. It isn't even worth it anymore. I will not give you the satisfaction of knowing any more than you already do, just exactly what you have done.

I teetered on the idea of shutting down this blog due to it's ties monetarily (definitely not emotionally, what, you think you're owed something?) to a certain memory that has long since subsided and passed thru my system like last night's drug binge. And while I am on the subject of drugs...

#2 Fuck drugs. For real. I've made a few comments in the past to let on to my love for certain substances. For legal and medical reasons, I will not be divulging any more details about my past, current, or future struggles with this specific demon. Suffice it to say, if there was any ONE thing to blame for my current lethargic state and utter lack of motivation, you, my little friend(s?) would not be stricken from the list of catalysts.

I have stayed stagnant for far too long. My pessimistic outlook on life, while at times entertaining, has traversed the lines of comedic necessary evil, and entered into the realm of absolute control.

I'm tired tho. Like, for real, tired of being satisfied with mediocrity. Things have always come so easy for me that I have completely forgotten what it was like to struggle. You showed me that. So I guess if there was one thing I could be thankful to you for giving me, that would be it. You showed me what it was like to be miserable again. You showed me what self loathing REALLY is. "All Hail The Heartbreaker" HAHA.

I have slowly made the transition from what I wanted to be, to not even recognizing the person looking back at me in the mirror. I haven't been "happy" (who decides what happy is anymore anyway) for quite some time. With OR without you. I'll tell you where my happiness comes from now... or shit, maybe I won't cause I honestly couldn't tell you anymore. I know what doesn't work for me tho, and that's all that really counts today.

This post isn't all about "THAT" tho. It's also about "THIS"...

Some things that are great...

-Hope. The name says it all and it is quite fitting what that entails.

-Progress. No matter how much I stumble, I will ALWAYS bounce back and be better the next time.

-Freedom. Out from under the thumb of life.

I am absolutely sure that by now you are all just as confused as I was when I started this rant. Just know that that is to be expected. If you get it, then you're on the inside, if this was lost on you, well I'm sure you could check the archives for something a bit more your speed.

If you came here looking for tits and comedy today, all apologies for letting you down. The path back to greatness is long an narrow, but I'm on it, so I'll be keeping my peoples (if you're in, you know it) up on all the hottest shit just as soon as I get my shit situated and my head back facing forward.

Quote of the week "Is this what you call tact? I swear you are as subtle as a brick to the small of my back."

And, were clear.........................

Or are we?

-Kevin "I'm not Ollie when I'm real" Smith

My Favorite Kid Ever:

2009-08-19T16:11:00.000-07:00

How pumped is he right now?

I've seen these pics, as I'm sure the rest of you have and homegirl is straight up AVERAGE at best. If she wasn't a "celebrity", no one would even be trippin. Seen alot of girls naked in my time, and trust in your boy, she ain't even top 20.

With all that said, my little asian homie is officially NPB icicle status. Keep grindin'...

-Olls

Awwww Damn...

2009-08-19T16:01:00.000-07:00

Wow. Just, Wow.

New Crem De La Crem T's in the Streets

2009-08-19T15:52:00.000-07:00

Big ups to my mellow, my man Dustin and the rest of the squad over at Crem De La Crem for throwin down some buttery ass new designs for the fall run of Crem De La Crem T-shirts. You have got to get you some. Click Here to get laced...

Have a sneek peek:

and my personal favorite...

From what I can gather, all t's are available in different colorways. If you want my opinion, get 2 of everything, in BLACK.

This shit is fire for real.

Big ups to Makeshift for puttin me on to Crem De La Crem. These guys got it figured out...

Yo Dustin, I'll take the whole run, Black, sz. XL!! HAHA.

-Ollie the Fashionista

Kelly Karloff is el Fuego

2009-08-19T15:42:00.001-07:00

This chick is mostly known for her modeling career on Karmaloop.com, but I'm here to tell ya, she is straight fire.

That tail leaves a little to be desired, but what she's lackin out back, she more than makes up for up top...

And she's a freak. She will answer any and all questions sexually related on her weekly video series from Karmaloop TV.

Episode 1:

Episode 2:

Episode 3:

-Uncle Ollie

You Can't be Serious

2009-08-19T15:39:00.000-07:00

The worst fucking guy since Joe Rogan is now getting paid appearance fees to show up and host parties?

This is some sort of cruel prank. Has to be. John Gosselin sucks so much dick...

-Ollie the Hateful

Do the World a Favor...

2009-08-14T09:58:00.000-07:00

... and stop TyPiNg LiKe ThIs. iT iS tHe MoSt AnNoYiNg ThInG oN tHe PlAnEt aNd MaKeS YoU lOoK LiKe a DaMn FoOl.

I always wonder, because the above sentence took me literally a full minute to type, why would ANYONE IN THEIR RIGHT MIND go thru the hassle of typing out each letter to create that childlike imagery?

Is there some sort of program out there that automatically generates this type of bufoonery, or do you people literally sit there and press the shift button every other letter?

Fuck.

You belong on the:

I hate you.

-Ollie the Awful

Big Hardcore Mean Azz Wyte Boi

2009-08-14T09:32:00.000-07:00

Meet Young Cohod.

I recently got a friend request from your boi on myspace and I am quite literally blown away by this cat.

From Young Cohod’s "about me" section:

"I GREW UP IN HALEYVILLE ALABAMA LIVED HERE MOST OF MY LIFE. JUST A SOUTHERN ARTIST ON DA MOVE BOUNCING TO DA NEW GROVE IF YOU FEEL ME LET ME KNOW IF YOU DON'T I WILL HELP PUT U IN THE HOLE, WIT DA REST OF THEM HATERS!!!!!!!!!!"

Yep. That's the real deal right there. I do appreciate that he sites my main man Haystack as one of his biggest influences. If you aren't familiar with the greatness that is Haystack, let Ollie learn ya:

Yessir! Haystack turned his wedding video into a music video for his "hit single" "Bonnie & Clyde".

Enough about Haystack, back to Young Cohod. I can't find any embed or html codes to put his music up directly so do yourself a favor and go peep his Myspace Page RIGHT HERE. This kid is the definition of Hillbilly, country as all hell, inbred white-boy rap. It is so bad it almost feels like it's supposed to be comedy. I mean, this shit is just pure trash.

Do your thing Young Cohod, and please, for the love of all things holy, don't ever stop makin' these hits and "puttin these haters in a hole".

Ign'ant..

-Ollie the Scholar

Average Joe Hits the Jackpot

2009-08-14T09:14:00.001-07:00

Look, I don't care who you are, there is no denying that my girl Kourtney Kardashian is the baddest of the Kardashian girls.

Or so was the case up until last week when it was revealed that the little sister to everyone's favorite backyard (that's Kim for the uninformed) went ahead and let some fuckin' nobody shoot an 8 roper** up in that womb and basically secure his personal financial stability for the next... oh I'ontknow, 18+ years.

**Shooting an 8 roper: Refering to the amount of ropes or ejaculatory "beads" one would be releasing from the sheer excitement of gettin to go raw in any, scratch that, either of the two HOT Kardashian sisters. Khloe, I see you girl, you're tryin, but doctors can't fix big. HAHA.**

So, just who is this average Joe to pull a Federline*?

** A Federline: I shouldn't have to explain this, but I will for the sake of literature. A.K.A. "The Come-up". Blast off in a super hot, ridiculously wealthy celeb and watch your bank account blow the fuck up. Man, on the low, I respect my man K-Fed's hustle more than anyone knows.

Let me introduce you to... (Record Scratch), We still don't even know dude's name?

("Yeah, she's with me.")

Are you kidding me? This fuckin' schlub ass darrel gets to go bareback?

Let me tell you another thing, judging by this picture:

If my man, we'll call him K-Federal 2.0, can hit Kourtney, All of us had a chance.

Another one bites the dust. But I will say this, if Momma Kardashian is any indication of these girl's ability to bounce back, I give a 48.7% chance that Kourtney will parlay that baby fat into a whole new world of thickness.

Why does Kourtney look so much more, how would I say this... "ethnic" than the other two??

Mailman's baby. You know momma was gettin her some cut on the sneaks. Papa Kardashian wasn't hittin that right, and I will guarandamntee you that ol' Brucey boy ain't diggin that out.

P.S. Khloe is a beast in these streets son. And not in the good way. She needs to invest in some flats and quit rockin them 6" stilletos, my girl is already duckin thru doorways in the club. HA.

-Olls

Hold Me Closer Tiny Dancer

2009-08-14T08:45:00.000-07:00

Is this who Elton John was talking about in the classic '70's love ballad "Tiny Dancer" that was made famous by everyone's favorite awful movie "Almost Famous"?? Man that movie sucks. It just kills me you know it? I watch it every time it is on the tube and always end up asking myself, Why? Why Olls did you subject yourself to this train wreck. There was a time when I used to think that Kate Hudson was the business back in my younger years, well before I learned about the benefits of the thick white chick and the power moves they were making to take over the internet, er WORLD!!

Anyways, Sorry. This post has nothing to do with "Almost Famous", but I got a little sidetracked. I just hate the fact that that movie has the power to suck me in the way it does. I'll prolly end up watching it this weekend now, because for some strange, unexplainable reason, I do indeed own that piece of shit on DVD and VHS...

Moving on, peace to Brock and Lake over at Us Versus Them for gettin' the drop on this amazing little piece of video magic...

Wow. Just, WOW player.

Did you watch that? Please tell me you did and didn't just skip over for the commentary...

A few quick thoughts...

She has to be aware of the irony of the song she chose right? I mean, I really don't want to have to explain the hillarity of "Shorty gettin low", cause she is damn near sweepin' the flo' wit' it just by dippin'... HA.

Why in god's name is this video 4 minutes long? I mean, I appreciate the effort, 4 minutes of steady cuttin rug is tiring, but on the reals, homegirl was only really workin with about 3 actual moves that just got looped and interwoven in different combinations to create this cinematic masterpiece.

I KNOW I'm a pervert now (whereas before I just kind of assumed it), it's official, because the whole time she was dancin' all I could think was, "Damn, she's got the fat ass"... HAHA. Savage.

I really want a little person as my sidekick. Preferably an aggressive alcohol abuser with no morals or shame to compliment my oh-so-endearing "i hate everyone" approach to life.

Get it low "Shawwwwwty"... We ain't mad.

-Uncle Ollie

It's My Birthday

2009-08-12T08:36:00.001-07:00

Yep. Your boy Ollie is celebrating his 26th today. I know, I know, I'm an old ass man. But you know what?? It just makes me wiser than thee...

Because it is my birthday, I'm only gonna work a half day, which means this is all you will be getting from me today. I was going to do a guess that rack post, but I would rather just kick back and wait for that clock to strike noon so I can get up outta heyah.

-Olls

Major Lazer = Pure Savage

2009-08-11T15:26:00.000-07:00

If you skipped over that just to get my commentary, go back. You need to watch. There is nothing I can say to explain the magic in this video. Seriously. What the hell was the point?

I'll tell you this, those girls are walkin a very fine line between thick and fat. I definitely wouldn't kick any of 'em outta bed, but I'll be damned if I ever let a chicken jump on my shit like that. Man, that shit was off the hook slice!!!

-Olls

The World According to Ollie:

2009-08-10T13:58:00.001-07:00

Fair warning: This post will not consist of many photos. In fact, there probably won't be any at all. To tell the truth, this is going to be a long, drawn out series of words strung together with no real direction or general theme. Things on my mind, shit i hate, where I've been, why I haven't been posting, all of that will be discussed...

Now.

1. Where have you been?

There is no real answer to that question. I've been in one of the following three places:

1. My bed. Tempurpedic mattress top is better than sex. I've been logging some serious hours in my bed. More than I ever have previously in my life. The dungeon that I dwell in is now more affectionately being refered to as simply, "The Cave". But why young Ollie da boss tycoon? Why have you been spending so much time in your beloved bed? Because, fuck it, that's why.

** Side note ** After heavy deliberation and discussion with the few people in the world whose opinion's matter to me, I have decided to be fully open and honest about my current status in the world. TBC and YBO (that's "your boy ollie" for the uninitiated) decided to take some time off. Most of my drive to write came from the overwhelming confidence I drew from being in a monogomous relationship, but once that got cashed in, I've kinda been a little less driven to write, and even less egotistical than normal... That's all I am going to say about that...

2. Work. I am here roughly 10% more than I am in my bed. This is a great job, but in all seriousness, I really just want to fuckin hate it. It's mundane. It's repetitive. It's boring and unfulfilling. But it's awesome. What other job in the world would allow me as much internet time as I get, and pay me a decent wage, keep the A/C at a very unreasonable 70 degrees all day, and kick down with health insurance and not drug test? Answer: Very few. So as much as I want to just up and walk out of this place just to stir some shit up and break up the day a bit, I don't cause I would be a fucking moron to leave this gig. Seriously.

3. Lurking at your favorite girl's pad. Self explanatory and completely fabricated, but to say that I have been spending all of my time in bed or at work would be too depressing, even for the most bitter of haters.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Shit I hate: Fucking Everything.

Yep. I still fucking hate everything. Anything that brings you joy, brings me down. I want to punch your stupid child in the face. I want to step on your kittens. I want to snatch the life right out of your self entitled body..

I still love puppies tho..

Back to the hate...

1. I FUCKING HATE drunk people when I'm not drinking. Man, there is literally NOTHING worse than slobbering idiots hangin and drooling all over me when I haven't had any libations and you motherfuckers want to carry on some sort of intelligent conversation with me. Let's get real, you are stupid to begin with, the booze does not help this. In fact, it makes you even less my equal. I already dislike you, don't force me to punch you in the nose to prove my point. Back the fuck up. What part of the brain sends out the message to your body that requires you to be 7 times louder than normal, and 10 times closer to me to talk? BACK THE FUCK UP. I can't take this shit.

2. I hate starting shit and not finishing it. I currently have at least 3 paintings "in the works", but I haven't touched a single one of them in over a month. They sit in the corner of my room collecting dust mocking me, acting as a constant reminder of my incredible lack of drive. It's pathetic. Get your shit together.

**Side Note** Any interest in original works on canvas from yours truly? trades welcome. Willing to consider most negotiable things of value, including, but not limited to: fishing tackle, 12" vinyl, 8-track players and tapes, Boomboxes (working or not), stuffed animal carcasses, bear rugs and other forms of animal home decor, WWF wrestling videos (VHS or DVD), a motorolla brick (as you guppies might call it, "the zach morris cell phone"), ninja weapons, drugs, cash, phone cards, human souls, even large quantities of grape soda. Holler at your boy on the low, nickelplatedbama@gmail.com.

***EXTRA SPECIAL OFFER. ONE TIME ONLY.*** Anyone willing to burn their Raiders or St. Louis Cardinals jerseys can have their pick of anything I have painted to date...

All of the above offers are of course only valid if I ever actually finish a fucking painting.

3. Obama. Look, I didn't like him before his presidency started. I felt like he was really pulling the wool over the American people's eyes and putting on this facade like he was a man of the people but behind closed doors he was really just the purest form of asshole on the planet. Just a real "my shit don't stink" type of cat. Now, I feel like every day in office he gets one step closer to showing his true colors and revealing just how pompous and self-involved he really is. He's got most of the world fooled, but not me. I know he's a prick and it won't be long now until someone catches him slippin and he really fumbles that ball on a public stage and starts goin ICICLE on some unsuspecting white house intern. In fact, if/when that day comes, I can honestly say that I will have a whole new respect and appreciation for all things Obama, cause at least I will know what he's about. We all know how much I love ice cold behavior. I know, I know. But Ollie, you are such a friend to the brothas, how can you hate on Obama so much? Because I don't look at Obama as a brotha. I see him as the president of our country and he needs to be spending more time handling business, and less time guzzling brews on the white house lawn. Of course I like that my president is a smoothed out, beer drinkin', everyday man's man (ahhhnnnt!). What I don't like is that he spends more time being a regular ol' plumber Joe in his jeans and t-shirts than he does governing the United States of America. The solution to the "race war" going on in Boston over a cop arresting a brotha for attempting to break into his own home (which I admit is wiggity wack), is to invite the arresting officer and the "assaulted" man to sit down for a lecture over beers? Come on Obama, you didn't even need to be involved in that. AT ALL. The only reason you got involved is because of the race card that was being played. Eh, I can go on and on about this shit, but when the day ends, Obama is my president, and I respect the man's hustle, but I want to see a little more business and a little less tomfoolery out there in the streets.

4. Lady Gaga is a man? The boys at Eat Me California (a really cool food blog based in Southern California if I'm not mistaken) hipped me to this shit way back when I made the post about how Lady Gaga had the fat ass, but I just dismissed it as another run of the mill Hollywood rumor. But no. This shit is getting real, fast. Apparently Mister Gaga came out on her/his blog saying that it was born as a hermaphrodite and has a small penis and a full on vagina. Are you kidding me yo? Get that shit hacked off and move on. No wonder she dresses like a short bus rider.

5. John Hughes died. That sucks, but he really hasn't done anything impactful in this decade, shit, in this millenium to be perfectly honest so I ain't in tears about it. Big ups to "The Breakfast Club"... "Judd Nelson, he was fucking HARSH". First person to tell me where that quote is from gets a prize.

6. I hate this idiot John Gosselin. He always has the stupidest looks on his face. I ain't gonna front on homie's pimp game tho. He's goin hard on these hoes right out the gate, but I guess when you've been married to easily the biggest bitch in the world of c-list celebrities, you really gotta get out there and put your best pimp foot forward. But yo, on the rizlas player, please stop rockin all that tuurrrrrribble ass Ed Hardy gear. I mean, that shit just makes you look like the world's biggest booger eater. Seriously. No self respecting man on this planet can wear Ed Hardy anymore. That's the rules.

7. After eleven months and 10 days I have started smoking again. This really makes me mad, but fuck it. Everyone's got their vices right?

There's alot more shit that I am hating right now, but my blood is already boiling and I fear that if I continue, I may end up punching right thru my monitor.

So that's that. I feel like I got a lot off my chest, and am now ready to get back on my grind. Sorry again for leaving all you guys hanging for so long. I got my shit back in blog mode and will be working harder than ever to produce quality, original content for the loyal fan base.

-Ollie the Chronic Underachiever

Keep That Pussy On A Leash

2009-07-31T14:38:00.000-07:00

Yep, those are real, and you can Buy Em Right Here.

HAHA.

Peace to Ignored Prayers for being the coolest blog on the planet. EVER.

And while I'm feelin extra perverted, What number do you prefer??

Stay classy internet. Stay classy.

-Uncle Ollie strikes again

Bamettes Pt. 1

2009-07-28T10:57:00.000-07:00

The homegirl ____________________, (name left blank purposely) came thru with a photoshoot showin love for the BAMA.

On with the pictures...

And one more, even tho I'm not supposed to throw it up...

Thanks ladies...

Round 2 coming soon.

-Uncle Ollie

"Came Right Back Like I Forgot My Keys"

2009-07-27T15:31:00.001-07:00

And with that, just know that yes, I am back and badder than ever, but NO, I don't have anything of any substance to hit the folks with today.

I went to Agenda Thursday-Friday. I fagged it tho, and left my camera in my clothes backpack instead on my "backpacker backpack", so I literally only got like 8 photos, all of which were of this wack ass live painting exhibit by a bunch of nobodies and the street artist known as "BigFoot". Cooooooool.

I'm getting ahead of myself.

Thursday morning wake up, a bit on the hungover side because I figured, why not get hammed the night before a long ass drive thru traffic in L.A.

Traffic: 1 Ollie: 0

I finally get on the road around 10:05 a.m. on Thursday, next stop: Huntington Beach.

I was jammin', makin great time, no one fuckin' up my mission until BLLLLAAAAMMMM!, Hello Grapevine. (for the non-California based readers, the Grapevine is basically the only way to get from central cali to southern cali without EXTREME detours). 11:45 All of a sudden, everybody locks up the breaks and I get pinched between a literal wall of big rigs. Don't ask me why I was in the truck lane, I think I was trying to make a power move and outflank a large line-up of idiots pacing the traffic in lane 3.

When I finally get clear of the wall of big rigs, I look up to see 4 lanes of traffic backed up for as far as I could see. Literally, a solid 5-7 miles of no one moving. AT ALL.

Cut to 1:45 p.m. I have moved no more than 3 miles in the last 2 hours. The drugs are wearing off and my patience is running thin. I'm even more pissed that the camera has enough juice to take like 6 flicks before it is going to die. I conserve.

Next to me, I see this wild old black lady puffin' tuff on a "big ol bomber" (that's what my ultra hip uncle calls joints). great. No photo op.

The source for this clusterfuck? Some double axled truck turned over and rolled a few times and ended up laid out, completely flat, stretching across the entire width of the freeway.

After I got thru that jam, everything opened up and I was movin well until right around Culver City when the powers that be opened up a flood gate of new vehicles who all decided to get on the same freeway, at the same time, at the same on-ramp.

Drugs are in the trunk, I have lost all patience.

3:20 I finally pull up to the regency Hyatt (host of Agenda) and spend the next 30 minutes looking for parking, until I get a text informing me that I can park at Big Lots! and take the shuttle.

I go into Agenda, camera dies. Meet up with the homie Trav of MSK fame (that's legendary graffiti crew MSK for you legal living souls out there). Trav informs me that I missed all the good stuff at the show the night before when he passed out drunk in the lobby during the party. AWESOME. Just what I wanted to hear.

I go to the bar. $7.00 for a corona?? Are you fucking kidding me?? I'll take 3. thanks for nothing you anal raping son of a bitch (no homo).

Stumble around the show for about an hour and a half, catch a good little buzz, bitch about not having a working camera, start bumming cigarettes (which I gave up almost a full year ago) until finally I find the homie T on the phone, who informs me that he is not coming.

This shit just gets better by the minute...

Pt. 2 Tomorrow. I'm too pissed to continue with this shit today.

I will also put together some photos from other various bloggers that were in attendance down at Agenda as well.

What up REEZ. Thanks again.

-Olls

Some People's Children...

2009-07-22T09:43:00.000-07:00

I thought that since I am preparing for my departure to Huntington Beach for Agenda and don't have much time to write, I would hit the peoples with some classic "ugly people" photos from my personal collection. I am more than sure that most, if not all, of these photos have definitely been seen by the readers, but FUCK IT, they make me laugh and this is my blog so complain to someone who cares.

You see how giving I am? I could have kept this for myself and posted each one individually on days when I didn't have anything to blog about, but instead I give it to my peoples. All 9 of you (Welcome back Kristen)...

-Olls

Don't Piss There!!

2009-07-22T09:37:00.000-07:00

I love .gif's.

You take some random video footage of a girl pissin' in the streets and an old man kickin her hard as fuck in the ass, and loop that shit to come up with this awesome little rectangle of joy.

And peace to that old man son, that kick and grill was icier than Ike Turner and Bobby Brown put together.

Go hard.

I really love the internet.

-Olls

NickelPlatedBama.com

2009-07-17T08:34:00.000-07:00

It is official, your mother's least favorite blog is now a dot com.

We have arrived.

Sorry for the lack of updates, it's been more than a hectic week. Just trust in your boy, shit will be back and badder than ever come monday.

In the meantime, change all your favorites, change the links in your blogrolls, cause this shit is only getting bigger from here.

I hadn't mentioned yet, I will be back at AGENDA next week for round 2 with the streetwear fags.

Makeshift is performing at the JSLV party, and in case you were wondering, YES, he still is the hottest dude doin it right now (no homo).

You already know what it is, but Imma tell you one mo' time again...

NickelPlatedBama.com you filthy animals.

-Ollie "the animal" Steele

Things That Kill Me pt. 3

2009-07-13T14:19:00.000-07:00

Before I get into round 3 of my shit list, I want to give the newer readers a chance to recap the classics.

Part 1 Click Here

Part 1 Click Here

Now, on with the show.

Things that kill me pt. 3:

1. Eek-A-Mouse

I dislike 90% of reggae in general, but this cat really gets on my nerves. I think Eek A Mouse may have been the first reggae I was ever subjected to and could very well be the reason I hate the shit so much. Seriously, listen to that and tell me it doesn't make you want to dive head first into an empty swimming pool.

2. Soul Patches/Ridiculously thin beard trim jobs

Facial hair of this magnitude screams one thing and one thing only: "Hi, I'm a DICK." Fuck you with your razor sharp pencil thin lines and agressive flavor savor. What flavor is it exactly that you are saving? Your boyfriend's ass juice? Get the fuck outta here.

3. Feminists

I don't get it. Women's sufferage took place decades ago but you dumb hoes think your changin the world? You're makin' the women that actually worked for your right to vote look bad by being so aggressively dumb. Just for the record Ashley Judd, No, that is not what a feminist looks like. A feminist looks more like this:

and goes by the name of Chaz. How funny is it tho that half the would be feminist nazi bull dykes out there would rather have dicks. How's that for irony.

4. Female Child Actors

God I hate you.

5. Audience participation.

Listen motherfucker, I paid alot of money to get into this place and I'll be damned if you are going to force me to sing your song for you. More importantly, if you really want to piss me off, try to put me on the spot. Just try it. Yeah I'm talking to you clown at the local fair. Don't heckle me jerk-off. When I walk by, leave me the fuck alone. If I wanted to spend 9 dollars to throw a softball, I would approach you. You think by saying some outlandish comment about my chick you are going to goad me into playing along? WRONG. You are punching your own ticket for catch a beat down. Fuck you. Same goes for you Busta Rhymes. I dont want to put my hands where your eyes could see. I want you to perform.

6. Men with pony tails.

Why?

7. Every one on Earth being a poker expert after watching the W.S.O.P.

Fuck you. You don't know shit. Those free online poker tournaments you enter and take 10th place in mean dick. You have no fucking clue what real poker is but you ramble aimlessly about your "pot odds" when you make awful calls and catch cards. Do you really think people believe you when you sell that story? FUCK OFF.

8. My Friends.

Thats right. For the most part, I hate all of you. You are all just as selfish and miserable as me and you bring me no joy.

I love you guys.

9. Deflating an air mattress.

You can never get all the air out and fit that fucker back in the box. GOD DAMNIT that is frustrating.

10. Assholes that are too cool to dress up for halloween.

But you still want to come to the "costume is mandatory" festivities. You are not clever. You are not cool. You are a dick and everyone hates you.

11. Talking on the phone to old people and/or anyone else under the age of 19.

I love you grandma, but we have nothing in common and nothing to discuss. Same goes for anyone outside of my age range. I cannot relate to anything you have to say so let's not waste eachother's time.

12. Condoms.

Nothing ruins a moment like unwrapping one of these numbing devices.

13. Patent leather shoes.

Yep. You look like a DICK.

14. Denim Shorts.

Especially the above the knee classics sported by your favorite male over 40 construction worker with a pony tail and an relentless affinity for all things Megadeth.

15. Biting my tongue.

Self explanatory

16. Restaurants charging extra for cheese on a hamburger.

FUCK YOU. You are already charging me 9 dollars for a slab of grade D beef and then have the nerve to ask for 1.50 for a slice of cheese? Oh man. I could kill somebody.

Last (for now) but certainly not least...

17. Trying to take my jacket off while I'm in the car stopped at a red light.

I hate playing beat the clock cause you know damn well that you aren't going to win. The faster you try to go, the more tangled you get, the more pissed you are and the less amount of time you have to actually get that awful thing off. Worse than that is knowing you shouldn't have ever put that stupid jacket on in the first place. It's summer, sure it was a bit chilly outside but you're in a car you have no need for a jacket but you put it on anyways. You are an idiot and everyone is staring at you and giggling while you struggle.

That is all for now. As always, more as they come to me.

New Look

2009-07-10T20:38:00.000-07:00

Yup, changed up the layout again. I think it looks better in black. Just need to stretch the header, add better borders, and then we'll be straight.

I'm serious this time, what do the readers think?

If there are no responses this time, I'm gonna boycott.

-Olls

White People Ruin Everything

2009-07-09T15:51:00.000-07:00

Remember this dumb ass bird from way back when??

Ok, everybody together now, tell us how you really feel...

Yep. That's it. We got her.

-Ollie

The Classics: White Girl Thickness Revisited

2009-07-09T15:46:00.001-07:00

Thats all...

I realize that is an old flick, thus the reason it is going up on throwback thursday, and while I'm at it, a few more certified bangers for the fellas...

Tell me the classics don't hit the spot... Go head.

Ladies, get your squat/lunge game tight for the summertime... But never fear, Uncle Ollie still loves you... All of you.

-Uncle Ollie

Throwback Thursday: Six Days

2009-07-09T15:43:00.000-07:00

Maybe the only DJ Shadow track I ever liked.

Don't get me wrong, i can appreciated what dude does, but I don't have to like it... Right?

-Olls

My Youth.

2009-07-09T15:38:00.000-07:00

I swear I spent more money renting this video in my younger years than I did on ANYTHING else in the world.

One of my favorite scenes from the flick...

Second favorite scene...

And yes, even as a shorty I wandered why in the hell these dudes wanted to joust rather than just scrap. Eh, whateva.

Throwback Thursday has been revived!!

Michael Jackson, Haunting From the Grave

2009-07-08T16:44:00.000-07:00

Yo, peep this wild shit. Maybe it's just shadows, but nonetheless, it's "thrilling"...

-Olls

He's Bo Yo

2009-07-08T13:27:00.000-07:00

Wow. This kid is nothin nice.

Emcees step yo game up.

-Olls

I Love Beards

2009-07-08T11:41:00.000-07:00

Meet Hope:

Loyal BAMA reader who has decided to take on the blogging world for herself.

Hope hit me up like 2 or 3 weeks back to let me know about her new blogging project and I was impressed. Not because of the layout of the site or anything, but because of the originality of the topic.

The criteria to get on Hope's blog is quite simple: Have a beard.

I Love Beards.

Hope's a cool chick, support her fetish for all things grizzly and go visit her blog.

P.S. Fellas, Hope is single, so if you want a chance, get that beard game right and holler at her on her myspace.

-Young Ollie da Don

R.I.P. Billy Mays

2009-07-08T11:06:00.000-07:00

Peace to Ignored Prayers for the flick.

-Ollser

Yo, On Some Real Shit...

2009-07-08T10:59:00.000-07:00

Michael Michael Michael you my nigggggaaaaahhhhhh...

Ron Artest, you a fool for this one.

-Ollie

Sneak Peek of my New Painting

2009-07-06T11:46:00.000-07:00

As it sits about 65% complete.

-Olls

A Message to the Self Entitled Jerk-Off Pharmacist at Rite-Aid:

2009-07-01T16:19:00.000-07:00

I have no fucking idea why you think that your punk ass degree is more valuable than the degree my doctor achieved to practice medicine, but you do, and I hate everything about you. I am so tired of you putting your fat foreign nose in my business every fucking time I try to get a refill. My doctor has no issues with my medications, but somehow your community college certificate of completion gives you the power/right to override my dr.'s reccomendations. Trying to flex the small bit of power you have over me does nothing but make me want to severely hurt you. I swear on everything I find holy (i.e. TBC, thick white women, Cubs' baseball, etc.) if I ever see you in the streets, you are getting destroyed. I am so mad right now I could spit nails, and you best believe I will be carrying this grudge around with me until such time as the problem is solved.

I am fucking livid and it's all your fault.

Now to the back story...

Last Thursday I visited with the dr. and got a bump in my prescriptions. Being as I am a cash patient and had limited funds I asked the pharmacist to give me a chunk of the script now and I would come back in on Tuesday when I got my paycheck.

So I go in last night to get the remainder of my prescription and this fucking piece of shit camel fucker (no racism) decides that because I am "back too soon" he is not going to give me what is rightfully mine.

I ask, very calmly at first, "what right do you have to tell me when I can and cannot pick up a prescription that was written for me" followed by "the dr. wrote the prescription for a specific amount, please explain to me how me picking them up 5 days apart and all at one time are different".

Fucking jack off pharmacist "sir, I don't care if the dr. wrote the prescription for 2,000 tablets, it is my discretion"...

To which I respond "how does that make sense to you? If I had enough cash on me to get the ENTIRE prescription last Thursday, you would have released the full prescription to me correct? Then why in the fuck would it matter that I had to wait until I got my paycheck to pick up the remainder?"

Jack-off (dumb fucking look on his face) "ummm sir, you'll need to lower your voice".

Ollie: "I am going to beat the shit out of you if I ever see you in the streets"

Jack-off "you're going to need to have your prescriptions transfered out of this pharmacy and stop threatening me"

Ollie: "It's not a threat. FUCK YOU."

Cut to Wednesday afternoon when I call to get my scripts transfered to a different pharmacy and this fucking P.O.S. has the audacity to add a note to to the fax that says "do not release until July 6, 2009.

You just punched your own ticket habib.

I am so fucking angry right now.

-Olls

I'm Bored

2009-07-01T10:43:00.000-07:00

The only thing anyone in the world seems to care about is the death of Michael Jackson.

I know I said I wouldn't be discussing it anymore but some new stuff has come to light.

People are commiting suicide over this "tragedy". Seriously. TMZ or some other stupid website reported that there have been at least 12 confirmed deaths by suicide since the king of pop bit the dust.

What the hell people?

Also, there is supposed to be an open casket viewing of the body, OPEN TO THE PUBLIC on Friday July 3rd, 2009.

At least I got that going for me.

-Olls

Michael Jackson Died:

2009-06-29T10:30:00.000-07:00

My man Bill (what up Bill?), loyal BAMA reader #9 (I think) out in Colorado hit me with an e-mail stating his disappointment with the lack of content concerning the tragic death of Michael Jackson...

In all seriousness, I had planned on just moving forward and letting the rest of the world pine over this "loss" and never saying a word about it.

However, since I was specifically asked for my take on the situation, here are my sentiments regarding the untimely death of Michael Jackson:

First of all, death sucks. No matter who has died, someone is hurt by their passing. As a result, I will try and sugar coat this to spare feelings for the time being.

Suffice it to say that I was shocked. With Farrah Fawcett dying just hours before M.J. it didn't seem real to me.

With all of that said, I don't really care that Michael Jackson is dead.

I didn't look up to him.

He wasn't a big influence on my life.

Sure, he gave us mad classics in his day, but in all honestly "his day" was well before I was old enough to care about what was/wasn't classic.

By the time I was old enough to concern myself with Michael Jackson, the only tangible things for me to associate with him were his wild ass antics:

***Side Note*** My homie Sherman that lives down south once told me about how he went to Neverland Ranch as a school field trip. Now I'm not saying Sherman got touched, but he is definitely a wierd cat and took the loss of MJ harder than the rest of us. HAHA.

So for me to sit here and say that I am going to miss him, or that I am saddened by his death in any way would be a lie.

I mean, in reality, I don't care becuase I'm a heartless bastard, but more importantly I don't care because it does not effect me personally AT ALL.

Everything good Michael had to offer us musically had already been recorded and released, so the loss of him as an "artist" is unrealistic. The cold truth of the matter is that he was an old man, past his prime, and the stigma of his legal battles would outshine him for the rest of his career.

Furthermore, I want to discuss the general public's reactions to this death.

There seems to be two accepted responses to the death of Michael Jackson.

1. "Fuck him. He was a child molesting sociopath and will be burning in hell."

OR...

2. "Michael was a huge influence on my life. The most important person ever. I don't know how I am going to live without Michael being alive."

Wah-Wah-Waaaaahhhh.

Both of those opinions are stupid and contrived.

#1. FACT: MJ never touched you or anyone you know. He was never convicted. Shit, in all seriousness, he honestly didn't see anything wrong with letting a child sleep in his bed. Now, that may be creepy, but it isn't technically illegal. I wouldn't let my kids sleep with MJ, but that doesn't mean I want him to burn in hell. He was a victim of circumstance. Dude had ZERO childhood. His father was an abusive lunatic. He seriously thought there was nothing wrong with hangin out with a chimpanzee and playing house/doctor with children. Dude was unstable to say the least, but I am not completely convinced that he was the monster that the extremists make him out to be. Don't get it twisted, I am not condoning ANY of Michael's escapades, just saying, for the sake of argument, maybe he wasn't as bad as people made him out to be.

#2. All these "Michael was such an inspiration in my life..." bullshitters. FUCK YOU.

To anyone under the age of say, I'ontknow, 25 (and thats being generous), that says Michael was the reason you were in show business and that you wouldn't be here without him and alladat bullshit, SHUT...THE...FUCK...UP. No one cares. Seriously.

And the white people. Punk rockers. folk singers. etc...

(Yeah I'm talking to/about you John Mayer. You fucking dork.)

you just sound dumb. MJ didn't do anything for you personally. He didn't care if you were alive or dead. Why the fuck do you feel so special or entitled?

What it all boils down to is this:

If you didn't know M.J. personally, you shouldn't be grieving his death. It makes you look like a dick.

Let's let the man die and remember the cool things he gave to us:

The moonwalk was fucking awesome and groudbreaking in it's day:

and these L.A. Gear's were the business. I bet they are fetching a pretty penny on ebay right now.

That is all I have to say regarding this topic and am now closing the vault. I hope that is sufficient.

-Ollie the Heartless

New Look

2009-06-26T18:13:00.000-07:00

Slowly making the changes for the new look and layout of the blog.

It looks like shit right now, but we will get it together.

What do you think of the new header aside from the fact that it doesn't quite fit properly?

Hit me with a comment.

-Olls

Farrah Fawcett Died Today

2009-06-25T14:10:00.001-07:00

So let's do the right thing and just check out her ill rack from the playboy hey-day.

NSFW HERE.

R.I.P.

-Uncle Ollie

Yikes

2009-06-25T14:02:00.000-07:00

Madonna's daughter has a humongous eyebrow.

Thats all.

LOLOLOLOL.

-OLLS

The Burger King "7 Incher"

2009-06-25T13:57:00.000-07:00

This new ad campaign for BK has the world at odds because of it's inherent suggestive adult nature.

Big Fucking Deal.

It's not even that cool.

-Olls

Megan Fox is a Man??

2009-06-25T13:36:00.001-07:00

Of course!

Every hot chick on the planet gets hit with that stigma at least once when they are at their peak.

Remember Ciara? She was supposedly a man.

Lady Gaga? While she may not be hot, or even attractive in the face at all, you can be damn sure she has that fat ass REMEMBER??

Anyways, back to the point. Some idiot from some no name, god-awful News Source is claiming that Megan Fox was born a man.

The story goes on to say, and I quote:

"Megan Fox was born Mitchell Reed Fox in Rockwood, Tennessee. From an early age, Mitchell showed an interest in both performing and women’s clothing. When having a preacher lay hands on him did not ‘cure’ him of these interests, his parents simply put him on the pageant circuit.
By the age of 13, Mitchell had already started a career as a female child performer called ‘Megan Fox’. Making her debut on an Olsen Twins straight-to-video release, the twins have kept his secret all this time.
As a sweet 16 present, Fox’s parents offered him sexual reassignment surgery, which, given their child’s career, they’d hoped to write off as a business expense. Unfortunately laws prohibit such surgery to be done to minors."

WHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTT??

This is worse than most National Enquirer stories I have ever heard of.

Am I really supposed to believe that this:

is anything less than top 3 hottest women on the globe right now? (Spots one and two are reserved for TBC and Kate Beckinsale respectively.)

What a bullshit fabricated story, but it gave me a reason to put up some Megon Fox flicks (that I have actually never done in the history of this blog) so thanks!

A few more to help cool the burn...

Even tho there is no real tail to speak of, I still appreciate the effort.

-Uncle Ollie